They both look up at me, initially a little confused, probably because of the age difference between R and me – it always makes people uncomfortable. I see them totting up the cost of my clothes as they look me up and down, wondering how much it costs to keep a girl like me around. Then came that spark of recognition that I was dreading.

They continue their conversation without skipping a beat and I hear them talking about Simon. Poor Simon. I thought there was more distance between R and Simon, but apparently not. R is smiling and he moves his elbow a little, signalling for me to play my part. I oblige.

I walk forwards and slip my hand through his arm. I kiss him and I can feel the judgement from the female detective, or maybe I am projecting, maybe it’s me who’s placing judgement on myself. I hate myself for playing along with his game, but every time I try to break away I get hurt, or I get someone else hurt. Or worse, killed.

DS Adrian Miles looks at me in a way that reminds me of so many people before him, people who have tried to help me, people who paid a price for that. It’s always men, which I find annoying. Do women just think I made my bed and I should lie in it, or is it more sinister than that? Is it because the men want me, is that all I am? Is it a hero complex? Is it because I am pretty, or is it because I remind them of someone else?

I hate them for recognising that weakness in me, I hate them for wanting to help or maybe exploit that weakness, I hate them for giving me hope that they can free me from this gilded cage. I know they can’t. I hate myself for not knowing who or how to trust anymore.

I want to go with them, but I know R knows how to get me back, he always knows. An image flashes in my mind. I don’t react because I never do, but it’s Simon, broken and bloody, begging for help, a split second and that’s it. My mind cuts instantly to lying in the river and praying for death but still somehow fighting to stay alive by pulling myself from the water, feeling both relieved and disappointed when DS Miles came to rescue me. I wish I could remember more, but it just won’t come. That whole night is a blur, I didn’t lie about that.