A shudder runs through my body at the thought of what happened when I was at that bar, getting drunk out of my mind. It wasn’t the goal, at first. I started with only one glass of wine, but then it made me feel a little better, so I ordered another one. The more alcohol I ingested, the less it hurt thinking about Aaron. At some point, all I could feel was love and nostalgia while reminiscing about our time together, instead of regret and pain. Which is precisely when I had the brilliant idea to call him up.

I run a hand down my face as I give Molly and Maybelle their breakfast, the sweat from my run icing over my thawing body. What in the world was I thinking?

I wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem.

But in that moment, missing him had become an entire entity, like a second person living inside me. I didn’t want to hear his voice; I needed to. And the moment I did, thoughts that I hadn’t even let myself acknowledge came out of my mouth without me even realizing it.

I told him I loved him.

It’s not like it was a surprise. From the way I acted, letting myself spend all my time with him and sleep in his bed before we parted ways, I’m sure it was obvious how I felt. But I never intended to say the words to him. Not when it could be a reason for him to want to stay with me.

Point proven by the fact that after I hung up on Friday, he called again, and yesterday, he called me twice. I let it go to voicemail each time.

Stupid. I was so stupid. He’d finally been able to get a clean break from me, and I messed it all up by telling him things he never should’ve heard.

Finished eating, Molly starts spinning in circles in the apartment. I watch her with shoulders slumped, removing my gloves and hat. How can she have that much energy? We just ran three miles. Sure, I wasn’t as fast as I usually am, but still. Meanwhile, Maybelle is still chewing her food slowly. Not in top shape, but alive. That’s all that matters.

Picking my phone up, I look at the screen with one eye closed.

No calls.

That’s good. Maybe Aaron understood what I said Friday night was a mistake and I’m not going to change my mind, no matter how much I wish we would be in an alternate reality so I could.

Just as I put the phone down, though, three knocks come from my front door.

My heart stutters.

I don’t need to go look to know it’s him. First because no one knows where I live, and second because I can feel him, somehow. Like chemicals in my blood are altered when he’s around.