My eyes squeeze tighter as he pushes himself further in. I continue kissing him, hoping he won’t see my reaction. I try to hold it in, but it’s impossible. The sheer size of him feels like he’s tearing me in half. I was expecting discomfort, but not a sharp pain like this.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he says, suddenly stopping. I don’t know if he’s all the way in, but I don’t see how I could take more than this. “What’s wrong?” He pulls back, not completely but enough to make me release a breath of relief.

I shake my head. “Nothing, I’m fine. Go on.”

“You’re not fine.” He lifts a hand and caresses my cheek with his thumb, the touch so tender it almost makes me whimper. Why does he have to be so attentive?

I force a smile to my lips. “I’m telling you, I’m okay.”

“Now that smile just proved you’re lying.” Another brush of his thumb. “You want to try another position?”

“No, let’s just keep going,” I say, pulling at his back, but he doesn’t budge.

“Did you have pain in the past? With, uh, other men?” He continues searching my eyes like he’ll find his answer there.

“Uh…” Shit. This is not how it was supposed to go.

“You can tell me,” he adds, his voice so warm and calm, it makes me feel terrible for omitting the truth.

“I… I mean…”

A notch forms between his eyebrows. “You have had sex with other men before. Right?”

I close my eyes, teeth clenched. How did I ever think this would go unnoticed?

Barely more than a whisper, I say, “I told you I’ve always avoided getting close to people.”

He blinks twice, as if he needs to absorb the words. Then, he says, “Are you kidding me?” Pulling out of me completely, he rests on his knees and adds, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because this changes nothing.”

“This changes everything!” he snaps, sitting on the side of the bed with his head in between his hands. “We can’t do this.”

“Why?” I try to mask the hurt in my voice, but I don’t think it works.

“Because your first time shouldn’t be with someone you only see as a friend. It should be…” He rubs a hand over his forehead as he mutters, “Fuck, how did I not see this? I’m so sorry, Wren.”

“I’m the one who didn’t tell you.” How could he even think to blame himself?

He doesn’t answer, so I shift until I’m on my knees next to him. Then, I place my chin on his shoulder and say, “I want it to be you, Aaron. Please.”