When you learn vocabulary words in school, you memorize the definition. And you have a good idea of what the words mean. But it’s not until you feel them that you really grasp the definition. I’ve known what the world helpless means for a long time. And desperate. But I’ve never felt them. Feeling them is different. They fill your chest with a horrible sense of dread and guilt and despair. Those are more vocabulary words that you really can’t fully understand until you feel them.

I feel them all now.

All together.

I feel them all, and I have never felt so awful in my life.

Chapter Twenty-Three

After I do chores across the street, Ivy and I spend the day watching SpongeBob episodes while we wait for our parents to get home from the bank. There’s no sign of the ruined pillow, and I tell her how sorry I am for what I did. She gets quiet and shrugs, like she doesn’t want to talk about it.

When our parents return, we run to the window to watch them and get a sense of how bad it is.

“They don’t look too happy,” Ivy says.

My mom pauses before she shuts the door of the van, as if she’s trying to prepare herself for coming to tell us the news. My dad has a stack of papers in a folder under one arm.

“Should we pretend we’re still watching TV?” I ask.

“I guess so.” She slowly walks back to the couch. I think reality is setting in for her.

“Wait,” I say. “This is dumb. Let’s ask what happened. We need to know.”

Ivy turns slowly and comes back to my side. We stand in the dining room and wait.

“Hey, guys,” my dad says when he and my mom come in. He sets the papers on the messy table.

My mom stands a little behind him and seems to force herself to smile.

“Did they change their minds?” Ivy asks.

“No,” my dad says.

“What’s going to happen now?” I ask.

“Well —” He pauses and looks at my mom as if to get permission to tell us the truth.

She nods.

“We have to move. So the next step is to find a place. They gave us some options, and we have a plan.”

“What kind of options?” I ask.

My mom is still being quiet, and I don’t like the way it feels.

“There are some apartments near the high school that seem like a possibility. Your mom and I will probably go take a look tomorrow. We need to set up an appointment with the manager and fill out an application.” He sounds like a robot.

“Can we go with you?” Ivy asks.

“Mmm, I don’t think so. Let your mom and I go see what our options are, and then we’ll go from there.”