She was clueless. Her attention was fixed on me. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside. The beer helped with that too. Made me feel all warm and loose, my limbs moving with more ease than usual.

That’s why I took a second beer when the guys offered.

Millie lit up a cigarette. It crackled as she brought it to her sparkly lips. Drawing the cigarette away, she blew out a plume of smoke. Then she held it out to me, asking if I smoked. I never had, but I lied and said yes. Then I took it in between my fingers. The edge was stained in deep berry.

It was kind of embarrassing how much I coughed after attempting to take a drag. I think everyone knew then that I’d never smoked before. I heard a few chuckles from the guys. But Millie didn’t make fun of me at all. She made some comment about there being a first time for everything, and then she told me to try again.

Millie was so persistent that I didn’t have the heart to tell her no. But the truth is I hated it. Hated the way it coated my teeth in a nasty ash taste, hated the way it made my head pound and my mouth feel cottony.

After a few more tries, my stomach got all crampy and shaky, so I hurried to the bathroom. Trying not to touch the sides of the stained toilet seat, I hovered over it. Saliva filled my mouth. I gagged, coughed, tried to puke. But nothing came up. Eventually, the nausea subsided. I splashed some cold water on my face and took a few deep breaths before emerging from the bathroom.

When I returned to the living room, I found Millie sitting cross-legged on the ground with a couple of the guys, smoking. From the hallway, it looked like a cigarette. But as I got closer, the overwhelming scent of pot was undeniable. The guys huddled around her were leaned back, eyes red and glazed over, tiny slits.

Millie offered me a hit when I sat down next to her. She held the joint out toward my face, pinched between her thumb and forefinger. It glowed red on the end, emitting its pungent aroma.

I’d vowed to myself back in eighth that I’d never use drugs after watching a disturbing video in health class. Kids were convulsing, acting erratically, crazy-like, as if they could no longer manage their own bodies, control their own impulses. I hated feeling out of control. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would do that to themselves voluntarily.