A nurse had found her in the middle of the day. When they found all the drugs in her system, they assumed she’d killed herself after being told her baby had died of SIDS. One of the nurses said they’d overheard one of Millie’s conversations with Mitch, observed his abusive behavior. She’d also noticed the bruising on Millie’s arms. And they’d known from her medical records that she’d had an opioid addiction in the past.

As I struggled to process why Millie would kill herself, I remembered something I’d dismissed before.

In our last conversation, when Millie was trying to convince me to swap the babies, she’d said, I’ll never be free from Mitch. Not until the day I die.

And that’s when I knew. She’d been planning it all along. That’s why it was so easy for her to switch our babies. She knew she wouldn’t be around much longer. I wanted this revelation to bring me peace, realizing that I’d helped her find freedom.

But it only made me sadder. What if I hadn’t gone along with her plan? Would she have stayed alive longer? Been able to break free of Mitch at some point? I’ll never know. And that haunts me to this day.

Millie’s death only added to my sadness in the days and weeks after I brought you home. Not only did I grieve for my baby, but for my childhood best friend, as well.

Things came to a head with your dad when you were around six or seven months old and your eyes changed color. As you know, your dad and I have blue eyes. You have brown.

That flipped him out, even though I tried to explain that it doesn’t prove anything. I even showed him literature that debunked the eye color myth he was buying into.

But the damage had been done. I’d told too many lies. Kept too many secrets.

We didn’t break up right away, though. I think he stayed with me for a while for your sake.

He never demanded a paternity test. I know it’s because of how much he loves you. You stole his heart from the moment he first laid eyes on you. You’re his daughter, regardless.

Even though we did our best to make our marriage work, he never trusted me again. And that’s the real reason we broke up. The real reason he left me.

I’m truly sorry for that. It’s one of my biggest regrets. I wanted to give you that life Millie and I had dreamed up for an Amelia. And for the most part I did. You had the dresses and bows, the pink room. But more than that, you had love. Safety. Security. All the things Millie had wanted for you. I knew I could be the mom you needed. Loving. Attentive. Encouraging.