I sat in stunned silence. He’d never told people to leave before. They had to know he wasn’t actually condoning terrorism. He was simply making a point—and a good one. I forced myself to keep my eyes forward even though I was dying to know who else was leaving. Where would they go? The buses weren’t coming until tomorrow. That was part of the deal. Once you were here, there wasn’t any way to leave. You had agreed to it when you signed the nondisclosure agreement and all the other waivers for the retreat. They had to have an emergency procedure, though, but how uncomfortable would that be for everyone? The moment seemed to last forever as more people shuffled out. Finally, Ray shifted his attention and focus back to those of us who remained.

“Family, you’ve witnessed something very important—real faith is not for the weak or scared, and I want to thank you for not being scared. I’ve got a question that might scare you even more. Are you ready?” He gave us a moment to gather ourselves and settle back into our seats after all the commotion. “What if we lived like the fate of the world was dependent on our love? What if we were the ones? Stay with me. Can you all stay with me? I know it’s been a long day.” He paused, inviting in the breath for a moment. We all followed suit. “Could we be the ones who bring the message of true love into the world in a way that’s unparalleled to anything that’s been seen before?”

“Yes!” a few voices shouted. They were quickly joined by others, myself included. “Yes!”

“Do you think you have the power to do that?”

“Yes!” We had been on our feet, cheering and stamping, excited to be the ones up for the challenge and feeling special because we’d withstood the tests from the evening.

I relived the excitement of the moment all over again, and for a second I considered throwing my bag down on the bed and putting my things back into the drawers. When you’d tasted the good life, how things were really meant to be and how you were designed to feel, it was impossible to go backward and pretend you didn’t know how wonderful life could be. I was awake in a way I’d never been before. I’d been sleeping for so long, and the more awake I became, the more unsure I was about what I saw around me. I envied the disciples for being able to lead a life solely focused on serving God. It was the only way to come close to doing what Ray had talked about last night.

I was so curious about their lives, but everything about discipleship, including how they lived their daily lives, was kept a carefully guarded secret. Large parts of the community still considered them a cult, despite my article, but they were the only cult I knew who wasn’t trying to recruit new disciples or add to their ranks. No one even hinted that it was a possibility. I had asked Margo about it once, and she had said, “We don’t want people to join.” She’d laughed afterward, but she had been serious. They didn’t want to share what they had. It was special, and they wanted to keep it that way. I couldn’t blame them, but sometimes I felt like I was sitting at the kids’ table for dinner.