I click ‘play’ and sense my lifeblood dwindling a little. It’s just a static image to start with, and some ripply harp music. She’s sitting on a pale grey sofa, poised and chic in a crisp white shirt. Then the video starts.

‘Hi, I’m Dr Estelle Lang,’ she says, leaning forward and beaming. ‘Thanks for joining me today. I’d like to talk to you a little about menopausal symptoms …’ I watch, disgusted, munching away on my cheese and onion crisps. ‘Not the obvious ones like hot flushes,’ she continues. ‘We covered that last time. Today, I’m focusing on the general sense of low-level irritation, and those bursts of anger that can overwhelm you when you least expect them. There are ways of handling these,’ she goes on in her soothing tones, ‘and the good news is, there are plenty of alternatives to medication …’

I should be irritated now, watching her looking all polished in her shirt, which is probably from somewhere like Jigsaw, her cheekbones thieved from Meryl Streep and her shiny blonde hair hanging neatly at her chin. I should be seething with rage that, despite the fact that she and my husband were meeting secretly over several months, she still sees fit to sit there and tell other women how to manage their lives.

And yet … I actually want to know what she’s going to say. I’m genuinely interested in how to be like her (calm, attractive) rather than me (dishevelled, drunk). So I sit there, alternatively munching and sipping as she talks about ‘owning the menopause’ and ‘acknowledging that these feelings and symptoms are quite normal, and incredibly common, rather than something to be ashamed of, or even to think of as a problem at all.’

Quite right, Dr Lang! Who would ever regard the menopause as a problem when they’re as glossy and unsweaty as you appear to be? I bet she’s never even had a hot flush. Is she menopause-proof, like some kind of android? Is she on HRT, or those bio-identical hormones I’ve often wondered about going on, which Andy wouldn’t even discuss with me?

‘A big factor,’ she continues, ‘is having supportive people around you, who understand, and who take the time to listen sympathetically …’

Ah, right! Like starting the day with a cob on and blurting out, ‘Christ, it’s like waking up in a swamp around here’? ‘Fuck off,’ I say out loud. ‘Just fuck off and leave me alone.’ I shut my laptop abruptly, tip the last of the wine into my glass and down it in one, before opening a second bottle and pouring some more.