Community-Voiced Op-Ed

Bina Joshi

I’m sure plenty of people reading this have already heard of me or, rather, heard of some version of me. I’m going to clear all that up with the only thing that makes sense—the truth.

For the past two months, I’ve been conducting group meetings with women every week to discuss a variety of topics. Our name: Chats Over Chai. The group started as a fun social idea and slowly became a need. My dear friend Devi reminded me of kitty parties, routine get-togethers women had in Bombay. I envisioned doing something similar, where a group of my friends and I would meet at one of our homes, bring food, and just talk.

But I soon realized it was easy for us to discuss our children, the next recipe we were going to try, expectations from our in-laws, problems we may be having with our husbands, things like that. And while I am so grateful for those conversations, I also worried that we were losing a potential opportunity to explore issues in a way that was more honest and impactful.

Both my husband and eldest daughter are psychiatrists. For years, I’ve been hearing them talk about the power of people coming together in groups to share their stories. They both gave me textbooks on group therapy and a list of online classes where I learned about the value of being a facilitator. I applied some of these concepts to the Chats Over Chai meetings and was surprised to see that the structure allowed us to focus, learn, and connect.

There are so many things—big, difficult things—that members of our community are going through and not sharing. Whether it’s mental illness, burnout, or shame, there is a lot we have been keeping to ourselves. There’s a danger to that over time, putting on a perfect appearance and not really owning the challenges we all experience.

It’s hard to sit there in front of others and just open up. Nobody has ever asked us before to do that, put ourselves out there, ask us how we are feeling about things. So many of us have felt as though our job as women is to serve others, not really think about ourselves. But after that initial discomfort, the conversations took off. Now we always run out of time. Our wait list and sign-up process are to ensure that groups stay limited to fifteen participants.

I’ve been asked several times about what the group has covered. We’ve discussed invisible labor, toxic masculinity, what happens to marriages after retirement, depression, abuse, the list goes on and on.

Anyone can suggest topics. We prefer to talk about things that might be coming up in the general media and also have relevance to our lives. Our hope is to continue adding more structure to the group with time.

We were an all–South Asian group at first, but recently we have opened it up to everyone. We really aren’t all as different as we like to think we are. Sometimes we put up barriers in the form of labels and language. But whether we are immigrants or not, whether English is our first language or not, there are so many things we all share. Part of the beauty of this country is how it can bring people together.

I’ll be honest. When I first heard about the criticisms against me, they hurt. But I welcome them now. Because anyone trying to do something different will get criticized. People will talk anyway, so I might as well do what I think is right.

For every single person who has felt that what I’m doing is “unnatural,” I’d like to share a reminder with you: women have been creating their own support systems since the beginning of time.

And men could also benefit from their own forms of emotional support. I’m so proud to share here that my husband, Deepak Joshi, will be starting a Chats Over Chai group for men in Atlanta. He says I inspired him but really, he also helped me build this from the beginning.

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that I want to focus on making the most of Chats Over Chai. We have ongoing discussions on our Instagram page and are proud that our following grows daily. One thing I’ve learned for sure is to never doubt a group of women who know how to use social media. We can do anything!