“Of course you are. To be honest, I’m dismayed that you had so much doubt.”

“I guess I thought after everything that I was out of the running.” The truth hits her in waves. She’s going to be chief! Everything she worked for mattered!

Zack. She has to call Zack.

But will he even want to hear from her? She thinks back to the text. I still need time.

“Because you have a personal life?” Dr. Wilson raises an eyebrow. “Once I realized there was some history with you and Dr. Shah, I made sure he would not have any input on our decision.”

“You did?” Suhani asks. Did she really let her anxiety push her to assume the worst?

“Of course. It’s my job to look out for you,” Dr. Wilson says. “And you deserved this position. May I ask where all of this self-doubt is coming from? I ask this as a program director, not a psychiatrist.”

“Ha.” Suhani feels the tension in her shoulders melt. “It’s complicated.”

“Can you try to explain it to me? However much feels comfortable?” Dr. Wilson leans forward and folds his hands on the desk. Regardless of what he just said, everyone knows this is his classic therapist pose, focused and ready to listen.

Her mind jumps back to the moment her baby left her, the odd mix of regret and relief that devoured her body. Even though she told herself she did what was best for everyone, a part of her was always convinced she did something wrong and that someday she would pay the price. Shame was tricky in that way. It distorted how she saw her past and what she thought she deserved in her future.

But maybe she needed something that poked holes in the pristine self-image that she spent years constructing. Maybe the constant pressure she put on herself would have boiled over at one point or another and forced her to reevaluate what really mattered, who she really was underneath the achievements.

She sees everything in a blur: pushing herself to live the way her mother never could, making sure all her parents’ sacrifices weren’t in vain, setting the perfect example for her sister and brother, excelling in everything she pursued. Even her relationship with Roshan was like that, another accomplishment that checked off all the right boxes on the outside.

All of it made her unable to deal with anything that couldn’t be controlled.

“I guess in medical training there’s so much evaluation, and it all matters,” Suhani says. “We’re taught that a single negative comment can derail an entire career. It’s made me have this fear that I’m always just one mistake away from losing it all, that I have to be perfect and overdo everything to make sure none of this is taken away.