And in the four years they’ve been together, Zack has never been the one to want space. Even after their most heated fights, he pushes them to talk it out and not go to sleep angry, while Suhani always needs to cool off.

“But we should talk, and there’s no way we can do that with more space,” Suhani says.

“I know we need to talk. I just have a lot to think about before we do.”

An overhead page calls for a neurology consult and then a stroke code. The metallic smell of blood wafts over from the trauma bay and in seconds is masked by the sting of antibacterial cleaning solution. Suhani makes fleeting eye contact with one of the junior psych residents on call. She knows she shouldn’t be embarrassed, but for some reason, she doesn’t want anyone from work to know about what’s going on with her sister. But it’s just a matter of time. On Monday morning, Natasha will meet several of the junior residents and two of the attendings on the main ward.

She shifts her focus back to Zack. “What do you have to think about?”

Zack glances around them and runs his hand through his wavy brown hair. “This isn’t really the best place or time to get into it.”

“Roshan?” she asks, not even wanting to say his name.

Zack nods. “That is one of the things, yes.”

“What are the other things?” Suhani asks. “Work and kids? I know we can get through those. I really believe that.”

“It’s not that simple.” Zack wrings his hands and she stops herself from grabbing them. “I guess I realized that we’re not as close as I thought we were if you can keep certain things from me. I don’t make you comfortable enough to be open with me.”

“Of course you do,” Suhani says. “There’s way more to all this than you know, than I even realized until I really had time to think about it. Being at home and then talking to my dad made me see that, yes, I have kept my guard up with you. And I know I should have been more open. But I picked you, we picked each other, because of who we are together.”

I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, she thinks. For years, she heard Roshan’s voice in her head, telling her she wasn’t good enough. It was the adult version of the girls in middle school, always reminding her that she was defective in some way or another. No matter what she accomplished or who she became on the outside, she’d always be broken.

“I don’t know.” Zack shakes his head. “All I do know is that we’ve had some distance for a while and I just need to figure out what’s best for us.”