“I really don’t want to bring my friends down with my shit. Sorry— stuff.” Natasha shakes her head. “And my family just won’t understand. My dad’s always known something’s wrong with me. He’s tried to be nice about it and said I have ‘trouble coping’ or ‘feel things more than most people,’ but that’s all code for ‘messed up.’ My mom just calls me dramatic. If they wanted to be honest, my parents would straight up admit they wish I was like my sister, who’s basically perfect. I’m sure you already know that by her work here. And my brother doesn’t ruffle any feathers, so that just leaves me as the one to freak out about. I’ve always known I was messed up. Always.”

Saying all this makes Natasha wish she could just jump out of her skin and turn herself inside out. Self-loathing feels like wearing an itchy sweater she can never take off.

“Have you ever tried telling your family how you feel?”

“I used to try. I really did. But after a certain point, I didn’t want to be this constant problem for my parents after they’ve already struggled so much,” Natasha says as her eyes fill with tears. “They’ve sacrificed so much for me. They were really poor when they came to America and their families weren’t supportive of their marriage at all. And when they had a little financial stability, they moved to the neighborhood we’ve always lived in because of the good schools, even though it meant my dad commuted for an extra hour in traffic every day. They never even took vacations alone so we could all experience whatever they could. I can’t ever think about everything they’ve been through without feeling so shitty.”

“Having just one of those things weighing on you would be so difficult,” Dr. Chan says. “But all of that together must be so overwhelming. I’m so sorry to hear that’s how it’s been for you. Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself before?”

Natasha shakes her head. It’s better to lie. If they know she’s thought about it in the past, they’ll be more likely to keep her here. She knows this much from the way Dad and Suhani have discussed cases at the dinner table. And even if she has wanted to hurt herself, she’s never actually tried to before. She came close in college once, while she was high, but Anuj called her right then. She never told him what she was about to do.

“Look, I know what I did was wrong. But I feel better now,” Natasha says. “I’m not even sad anymore. I just feel numb sometimes. And on some level, I know I’ll always feel this way. It’s like there’s always been this cloud or something hanging over me.”