Nobody answers when she rings the doorbell. Wait, what if they’re having sex? She presses her ear against the heavy wooden door. Nothing. She rings the doorbell again.

After pacing the hallway for a solid two minutes, she removes the key that she never returned and lets herself in.

The apartment is pitch-black. Atlanta’s skyline glimmers in the floor-to-ceiling living room window. A pair of gym socks and gray sweat pants are on the shag rug in their bedroom. Their bed is unmade.

Natasha breathes a sigh of relief, her first one all day, at having the place to herself. She thumbs through Suhani and Zack’s wine collection and pours herself a generous serving of Cabernet Sauvignon. The word loops and loops in her mind like an annoying song on repeat. Alone. Alone. Alone.

Her head starts pounding and she’s not sure if it’s from the alcohol or the pressure of too many thoughts. She sits on the cool, smooth kitchen floor and runs her bare feet over the ridges between the tiles. The wine is smoother, gentler, than the beer from earlier.

For years, Natasha assumed happiness would come after she achieved the right milestones. But after she was in a decent relationship, graduated college, and got her first job, she realized that that’s not how it works. Some people are meant to live in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction. It’s as simple as that. She’s always had a gaping rift between who she is and who she wants to be.

Her future reveals itself in snippets, like a drab PowerPoint presentation. She sees herself waiting for a dark, drafty club to call her back, someone to give her a chance.

Maybe she can’t get herself to write any decent jokes because she actually isn’t a good comedian. Maybe things don’t work out because something is inherently wrong with her. Even when she was a little girl, she was always so much more reactive than Suhani or Anuj. How many times did Mom and Dad say they had to be extra careful with their words around Natasha? How many times did she know they were all more relaxed when she wasn’t there?

It’s only a matter of time before her siblings and friends get wrapped up in their real, fulfilling lives and won’t have space for her. Suhani’s schedule will only be more packed when she’s an attending. Anuj will be consumed with his classes and friends at Cornell. He won’t have the time to deal with Natasha’s daily dramas. And her friends are all moving on, becoming legitimate adults with lives she’s so proud of but knows won’t have space for her.

Zack’s the only one who might have the patience to keep putting up with her. But soon enough, his compassion will wear out.