She’s taken back to a moment last year, when she and Karan were pressed against each other, their legs intertwined, on his twin bed in his dorm. He was in blue-checked boxers and his hair was damp from a recent shower. She felt cozy and delicate in his gray hoodie. They had come back from the Georgia State talent show, where she’d planned to perform a routine about being desi and premed. Natasha was so proud of what she had written and couldn’t wait to share it. But then, when the moment arrived, the entire room just became a haze of sounds: her quick breath on the microphone, the thud of her pulse in her ears, the bored sighs of the seven people in the audience. She told herself to start, just start anywhere. But she couldn’t speak or even hear herself think. All she could do was remain anchored under the dull spotlight, frozen with fear. The stage manager cut her off and announced the next person. Nobody booed as she made her way into the thin crowd. She wasn’t even worth insulting. You can try later, Karan told her that night. It isn’t a big deal.

But it was a big deal to her. She surprised herself when in the middle of the night, just hours after she’d tanked onstage, she woke up with an idea for another routine. She crept out of bed and started typing. When it was just her and the blue glow from her Mac, she could reach a state where words poured out of her and her mind was in a trance. It reminded her of the way people described meditating. She always liked the night for that reason. With everyone asleep and nobody around to judge her, she could regain a sense of control over her time. It was like she and the world were in on a juicy secret together.

“Being onstage isn’t the only way to make it in comedy,” Alexis says. “There are so many other routes you can take. And it’s never a bad idea to take time to really reflect and learn and figure out the best fit for you.”

“But I want this.” Natasha realizes how childish she sounds as the words leave her mouth, like a second grader whining for more dessert. “I mean, not this as in improv, but I do want to be onstage. Stand-up is what I’ve been working toward! I don’t need to take any time to learn or figure out anything. I want to do this now.”