Chapters (21)
‘No. There’s your answer. For me, sex is good when both of you enjoy it. And when you feel love for each other. Those to me are indispensable requirements. And since a synthetic human couldn’t feel pleasure or love, I wouldn’t want sex with him.’
Winifred nods. ‘Not all humans feel as you do, though. It seems men are less concerned about such things, and some women, too.’
‘I’m not going to guess what some men feel, or some women, come to that. I can only speak for myself, and for the men I have loved.’
‘Men? There have been many?’
‘My dear, we don’t ask such questions. Sex is a difficult subject for humans to talk about. We like to keep it private. Some of us do, anyway. You can’t possibly understand, because it has no logic. All I will tell you is that I have loved three men in my life. Not at the same time.’
‘Is three a lot or not many?’
‘It was enough for me. They’re all dead now, too. And I have no desire to love like that ever again.’
‘What do you desire?’
What indeed? Right now, I want to be alone, and stop trying to explain to Winifred – who I am fond of, yes, robot though she may be – the secrets of the human heart.
‘Can you speak French?’ I ask her.
‘Of course,’ she replies, looking puzzled.
‘“Le coeur a ses raisons que laraison ne connaît point”. The heart has its reasons that reason cannot know, Pascal said. Can you understand?’
She looks miserable now, as she shakes her head. What simulation is this? Unhappiness brought on by not being able to understand a statement about the mysteries of human emotion? What can she expect to understand? And what reaction to her unhappiness does she want from me?
‘You look unhappy. I think you’re trying to manipulate me somehow. Do you want me to feel sorry for you, because you can’t feel things? What use to you is my sympathy?’
‘Margaret, please don’t be angry. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I have been designed to appear human. With consciousness. You’ve eloquently put your finger on the problem. If reason can’t know something, nor can I. But you can. I’m missing something you have, and you’ve even gone so far as to tell me you feel something in common with birds. I want to know what it’s like.’
I don’t know what to say. We sit in silence. I’m trying to work out what all this implies. Is it her programming pushing her on, and she’s encountered a wall she can’t climb or go round? Or is the consciousness she mentions starting to go beyond her programming? I have no idea.
She said, ‘I want,’ and she meant it. If that’s not a feeling, what is it?