Trevor stood up, the decades-old springs of Irene’s cushioned rocking chair thrumming as he shifted forward. I didn’t look up, as I was busy sort of gasping softly to myself in an attempt not to cry. At that moment, I probably looked a little like Kelli whenever she put her head down, mouth moving, whispering whatever it was she always whispered to soothe herself. The next thing I knew, Trevor had plopped down beside me on the loveseat. I’d been curled up with my feet underneath me but now, to make room for him, I automatically straightened and placed my feet on the floor. When I did, Trevor took advantage of the shift in my posture to slip his arm around my shoulders. Now my face was sort of tucked in the warm crook of Trevor’s armpit, my head resting on his shoulder. I could smell the spicy perfume of his deodorant, which was not unpleasant. It had an artificial, beachy undertone that was nothing like the ocean, and yet somehow evoked it. It was the smell, I thought, of blue.

“Poor Karie,” said Trevor.

I tried to relax against him, as it seemed the thing to do. I could feel the muscle of his shoulder shift beneath my cheek. A sober voice spoke up from somewhere inside me then — some distant cerebral outpost the Captain Morgan hadn’t been able to reach. The idea, this voice observed bemusedly, is for you to cry against him now. To let it all out. That’s what this is about. And the moment that voice spoke up, as ready as I’d been to cry right up until this moment, everything seemed to go dry. My head cleared, my sinuses emptied, and I was parched. I was going to stand up now, I decided. I’d maneuver my way out from under Trevor’s heavy biceps and go to the kitchen, drink a full glass of water, and maybe splash some on my eyes while I was in there.

As I was thinking this, Trevor patted me on the shoulder and then drew me to him a little tighter. Squeezing, as if to prime my internal emotional pump, as if to say, You can do it. Let it all out.

So we sat in silence for a few moments.

“Thank you for being there for her,” I said eventually. “I’m glad you were. I feel like shit that I wasn’t but I’m glad you were.”

“Do you know what she used to say about you?” said Trevor. I tensed against him and he gave my shoulder another squeeze.

“She used to say, I mustn’t bother Karen with any of this.”

“Any of this?” I repeated.

“Her health stuff. If something scary showed up on the scan or whathaveyou.”

“But she’d tell you?”

“She’d tell me.”

I shuddered and Trevor squeezed me again. “But why wouldn’t she want to tell me?”

“She used to say it would make you upset. I told her, Goddamnit Rini, if this shit gets serious, you have to call her! And she’d say, Yes, yes, but in the meantime, no point getting her all worked up.”