But she stood still and watched as I walked and I wanted to disappear. I understood why Samantha would have left suddenly, without saying goodbye to any of them.

I felt the ghost’s eyes on me, unrelenting.

“Leave me the fuck alone!” I screamed, my voice raw and monstrous. I barely recognized it as my own.

She disappeared. A final blow—that she could do so easily what I couldn’t do myself. But at least she was gone and I could make the rest of the walk with no one watching me.

a day & a night

I HAD THREE PUPILS NOW, in my corner of the schoolhouse.

“Lee, why don’t you show the girls where the supplies are kept?” I said, and Lee—clear-eyed and eager, any trace of fear or sorrow gone—sprang from his chair.

“Come with me,” he told Ruby and Diamond, and led them to the supply cabinet. I listened for a little while as he told them where the pencils and sharpeners were kept, where the paper was stacked and what type to use for which purpose. But as he went on, I turned to see Billy in the pillow corner, reading to the little ones. Liz and the others had novels open, fervently debating some aspect of them.

An ocean was between us now.

The kids settled at their desks again.

“Let’s see,” I said. “We’re three chapters into our new novel.”

“I don’t mind starting over,” Lee offered, smiling at Diamond and then at Ruby. The twins smiled back.

“Okay,” I said. “That’s very generous of you, Lee.” I found two additional copies of our book and we began reading aloud from the first page. At first, I listened to the girls as they read, paying attention to the words that slowed them down, asking them comprehension questions now and then. But I found it difficult to stay present.

___

Later, Julia came to ring the bell and lead kids out onto the green. Then it was just Billy and Liz and me inside and desperation seized my heart.

“We’re going for a hike in the hills before dinner,” Liz told me. “In case you want to come.”

I turned away from her—toward the closets—and placed the day’s materials back where they belonged. “No, that’s okay,” I said, still facing the shelves so she wouldn’t see my face.

By the time I had finished putting everything away, I was alone.

I was bereft—wishing to be with Billy and Liz in the hills.

I craved escape—even if it was into something terrible.

But I would be strong and good and survive the despair. I would make one move and then another.