Ted Anthony. Did you ever call him Anthony?Danny No, only his Mum called him that.Charlotte I called him Ant sometimes.

Ted Anthony. Sounds like a different guy, don’t it?

Danny Does your Mum call you Edward?

Ted No. Does yours?

Danny No, I meant, like, Ted short for Edward.

Ted Nah, just plain old Ted, mate.

Danny My mum calls me Daniel.

Ted Suits you.

Danny Good. Suits you too.

Ted What does?

Danny That big fuckin’ face of yours.

Ted What about it?

Danny Suits you. Just lovely.

Ted Thanks, Dan. I try my best you know, I do try.

Danny I look at your face, and I think, you know, I known it so long. I know every fuckin’ bit of your face. It looks just like your face. Know what I mean? Fuckin’ hell, I can’t believe it. How long we been mates?

Ted Yeah. Weird, eh? Considering how much we hate each other.

Danny You have to ruin it don’t you?

Ted I’m just joking, you know I’m joking. I think we’re lucky really. I do, and we are, ain’t we, us three?

Danny Yeah.

Ted Some people don’t have mates.

Danny No.

Ted It’s been really getting me down recently, you know.

Danny What has, mate?

Ted Oh, you know, work, and the routine, and Sally and me, the flat, and who’s doing the washing up, and who’s making the dinner or, you know. It’s. I dunno. I ain’t really been seeing a lot of anyone else. Lost contact with a lot of people, I suppose. It’s life though, innit. Getting older. But, sometimes Dan, I link up with you, and I think, what a cunt, you know? Coz, you don’t have any of those kind of worries do you? The fuckin’ rush hour on the Tube, and the telly and the pub quiz. You just naff around being interesting, and I think, what a prick. You know. But, it’s life, innit. Coz, obviously, you’re not a prick. But, you know. It’s good to get out, innit? Come out and party. I didn’t want to. I’m kind of done with all this. Done with it all. You know? After what happened. But, I’ve had a fuckin’ great night, ain’t I?

Danny Well, that’s nice, mate.

Ted Obviously I don’t mean I actually think you’re a prick, Dan.

Danny No. Course not.

Ted You know what I mean though, don’t ya?

Danny Mate. I’m a fuckin’ mess. Right state. You? You got it sorted. Got a lovely girlfriend, steady job, nice flat. You got it sorted.

Ted It’s boring though. That’s what I’m saying. You? You party hard. Me? I hardly party. Everything’s exciting for you. Behind the bar or on the dole, or doing some shifts here and there. Every day something different for you. No responsibilities. You’re off on tour. Alright, maybe only a tour of Croydon,²⁰ but still. Off you go.

Charlotte Oh shut up, the pair of you are doing great. Trust me. You boys are fine. I’m the one should be complaining. I woke up one morning and I was basically my Nan.