A healthy relationship can’t grow from disability. We had a beautiful week, but there was pain, too. And I can’t let us fall into the same pattern. Eve is right. Slade must get better on his own. I might lose him by not replying to this e-mail, but the alternative might be worse.

Shutting down my computer, I cuddle up under my soft covers and bring my legs to my chest in a fetal position. I won’t reply. I can’t. I want Slade but not at the expense of my life.

Three days later before bed, another e-mail shows up in my inbox.

Slade McCormack <[email protected]>

To: Lauren Amini

Re: Hello

Hey Lauren,

I got the results of the MRI, and I wanted to share them with you. It turned out that, even while my brain is resting, I have spontaneous activity in my temporal lobes. This causes my temper to rage for no reason at all. My PTSD is severe, but Sully says it’s manageable. I’m on a good path.

Vincent and I also worked some things out. I’m taking a leave of absence while I sort out my personal shit, but my job at the Mile will be waiting for me.

For all the times I flew off the handle and lost control, I’m sorry. For the time I hurt you up against the wall during the opening of Hook, I’m sorry. For that same night, when we had sex on the floor and I was completely out of my mind, I’m so sorry. For pulling the gun on you, I’m so sorry. For the lies. For the deceit. For taking advantage of your kind and open heart.

Lauren, you never deserved it. Even though my temper was out of my own control, I still withheld what I was going through, which is the same as a lie. The medications I took made things worse. It was illegal and dangerous and wrong. And, regardless of all the excuses on earth, I realize that I acted in ways that were completely unacceptable. I’m a grown man who doesn’t shirk away from responsibilities or problems. That’s not who I am at my core. But it’s what I did.

Using a combination of medication and psychotherapy, Dr. Sullivan has me in a twelve-week course of treatment where I talk about my trauma. He also has me write in detail about my time overseas. I started off pretty generally, just jotting down notes about how I got into the SEAL Teams in the first place. But, slowly, I’ve been getting into the gritty parts. Turns out, opening up doesn’t make things worse, as I initially thought it would. It sets the pain free so that I don’t have to wallow in it alone.

He’s put me on some medication, but all of it is now under his control, not mine. I am putting my trust in him.

I hope you are well. You’re on my mind every minute of every day.

Slade McCormack <[email protected]>