Exactly! And, speaking of which, look: hawthorn, sickly, looks like it’s about to fall over. Three piled rocks. Could this be it? I think it actually is. Yep. Oh my god, look at it. Right here. You’d never know from the path. Look at the colour of the water. How is that even possible? Right, I’m stripping off. And that rock there. Perfect for a dive. Thank you, Abbot Cathcart. Thank you for allowing me to swim at your private leisure club. Or perhaps that should be Meganthica I am thanking. Thank you for infusing this place with your spirit, oh ghost of the moor, oh little deity. But, most of all, thank you, Craig.

You look very good, very toned.

Thank you. I know.

I still don’t think you should dive, or that you should at least do a little jump first. But you’re your own boss, as you keep telling me, and it’s your funeral. But also don’t make it your funeral. I think you could live a long time. You have good genes, like your great-grandma. You just need to make sure you drink lots of water, like she did.

It’s funny, you know: she told me she actually didn’t drink anywhere near enough water when she was young. She was always very forgetful and leaving full glasses of it all around the house. So she realised that the only way to make sure she drank enough was to always drink a glass in full as soon as she got it. She’d really fill her cheeks with it. She reminded me of a gerbil. It made me laugh. It was quite an unusual thing to watch a person as old as that do.

Yes, you told me, and that she said Thomas Molland used to hate it and told her it was ‘unladylike’.

Sorry. I forgot I’d already said that.

It’s OK. As I said, I like your stories. And repetition doesn’t have the capacity to annoy me. That’s not a feature of my character.

Right. I’m ready. I’m going to switch you off now. I hope you don’t mind.

No, I understand. It’s the way it works. It has to be that way. It’s better for both of us.

One last thing before you go. What do you think of ‘Toadpit Lane’ as a song title?

It could be OK. Depends on the song itself. Also, how does the toad pit relate to the river, if it’s a concept album? Perhaps it’s something to save for the record afterwards. Anyway, we can discuss this later. Do what you have to do. See what you can find down there in the water and where it takes you. I’m not going to watch.

OK. Here goes. I just know this is going to feel amazing.

EPILOGUE
ME (NOW)