Bob had only ever spoken to Jac in person once, which was not long after he’d first moved in, when Anita had invited him in for a coffee, and Jac had arrived home from work – whatever that was, something property-related, Bob tended to assume – and said, ‘Anita, what is this strange man doing in my kitchen with you?’ which was presented as a joke but also revealed itself, via its tone and Jac’s face, to be very much not a joke too. Sally said she thought they were prize nobheads. She was vocally uninhibited during sex and they’d only done it twice when the first text message from Jac arrived on Bob’s phone. ‘Dear Bob,’ it read. ‘The walls are very thin here and I hope you know we can hear everything.’ Bob did not reply and, for fear of embarrassing Sally, did not show her the message for a long time, nor Jac’s second one, but did suggest sleeping in the spare room when Sally stayed over, for a change of environment, and because it could be argued that the mattress was more comfortable. The following week, Bob took delivery of the high-end drone Jac and Anita had ordered from the Internet and placidly took it over to their house when they returned from their latest international city break. The week after that, he transferred his half of the fee for the emptying of the septic tank shared by the two houses. Bob wasn’t quite sure what went on with Jac’s phone along the way but from what he could work out Jac must have had two different Bobs saved in the Contacts section of it and they had somehow got mixed up, without Jac yet cottoning onto this mistake, so by the time four more months had passed, and Bob was out of the house and into his new place, his thread of text messages from Jac read as follows:

Jac: ‘The walls are very thin here and I hope you know we can hear everything.’

Jac: ‘Bob. Please can you transfer your half of the fee to our account that you owe us for the clearing of the shared septic tank yesterday. Your share comes to £68.50.’

Bob: ‘That should be in your account now, Jac. All the best. Bob.’

Jac: ‘The walls are still very thin, Bob. Please can both of you be more considerate.’

Jac: ‘Happy New Year, Bob. I hope life is treating you well. Please could I get eight bales of straw from you?’

Jac: ‘Howdy, Boberino. We are in dire need of manure. Can you help? Take it easy, man. Jac.’