SONIA God knows who my actual parents were. I have a feeling they were two drunken Irish people who left me alone every night while they went to the pub. Until one night they were so bombed out of their minds, they walked off a cliff.

VANYA Do you have any nice fantasies of who your parents were?

SONIA No.

VANYA I see. (sips the coffee) This has gone quite cold now.

SONIA You’re just determined to fight over the coffee, aren’t you?

VANYA No, I’m really not. I’m debating whether to go microwave the coffee.

SONIA Do you want me to do it?

VANYA Would you? That would be very nice of you.

He hands her the cup. She seems calm but all of a sudden she smashes the cup onto the floor, near where the other one was smashed.

VANYA What is the matter with you???

SONIA Do I have to do everything?

VANYA But you offered to take it. Are you bipolar now?

SONIA Yes!

VANYA Some people claim antidepressants help them.

SONIA If everyone took antidepressants, Chekhov would have had nothing to write about.

VANYA I’m not going to clean up the broken cups, you know.

SONIA Me neither.

VANYA Well, obviously there’s no solution.

SONIA The housekeeper comes today. We’ll ask her to clean it up.

VANYA What if she refuses?

SONIA We’ll fire her.

VANYA All right. We’ll never ever pick the cups up, and instead we’ll sell the house.

SONIA You can’t sell it. You don’t own it. Masha owns it.

VANYA I know Masha owns it! But if we leave broken cups and coffee smells all over the house, I’m sure she’ll decide she has to sell it. And you and I can finally live separately since we hate each other.

SONIA What a good idea!

VANYA A very good idea!

Short pause. They both look out, where presumably there is a picture window.

VANYA It’s comforting to have a pond to look at, isn’t it? Pretty.

SONIA Yes. I hope the blue heron comes later.

VANYA I hope so too. It’s like a good omen.

SONIA Of course, it eats frogs, so it’s not a good omen for them.

VANYA No. Nature is cruel. But pretty. And for some reason I think of the blue heron as a harbinger of good luck.

Enter CASSANDRA. She’s 30-60, dressed comfortably for cleaning. Or maybe a colorful dress, an exotic style, something she actually looks good in.

CASSANDRA Beware the ides of March!

VANYA What?

CASSANDRA Beware the ides of March!

SONIA March? Isn’t it late August?

CASSANDRA Beware the middle of the month! Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!