MASHA (takes his phone out of his hand) What were you texting, for God’s sake? (reads) “I’ll meet you at the airport 8 a.m. Tuesday. Love you.”

SPIKE It’s my cousin. I’m bringing her to the airport.

MASHA How thoughtful. And usually you’re never thoughtful. I recognize the screen name you’re writing to. HootiePie at gmail.com

CASSANDRA Beware of Hootie Pie.

MASHA I didn’t realize Hootie Pie was your cousin.

SPIKE She’s not. Hootie Pie and I . . . are in love.

MASHA In love? With my personal assistant?

CASSANDRA And Hootie Pie shall be called Spawn of the Devil.

SPIKE Does she have to stay here?

MASHA Suddenly I like her.

CASSANDRA Thank you. Suddenly I like you.

SPIKE All right then. On Tuesday morning Hootie and I will be flying to Aruba for two weeks. And then we’re renting an apartment together. I was going to tell you on Monday.

MASHA Well you’ve told me today. Cassandra, please call a taxi for Spike. I want him to get on an uncomfortable bus and go back to New York and be out of my life.

SPIKE I was gonna tell you. I didn’t want to ruin your weekend.

MASHA Well that’s just so thoughtful of you, thank you. And how good to know how loyal and helpful Hootie/Spawn of the Devil has been. Was she ever going to tell me she was quitting?

SPIKE She was going to send you an email.

MASHA An email. How classy.

SPIKE She was afraid to tell you in person.

MASHA You know, she doesn’t need to be. I find myself feeling sudden and enormous relief about having you out of my life, and Hootie Pie too. (noticing Cassandra is still here) Cassandra, did you call the taxi?

CASSANDRA We don’t have a taxi in town.

MASHA Well . . . can you solve it?

CASSANDRA I can drive him myself.

MASHA Good. I’m liking you more and more.

CASSANDRA And vice versa. Ms. Hardwicke, I want to apologize for something.

MASHA What?

CASSANDRA (pause) I don’t want to say, but I just want to apologize.

MASHA I appreciate it. Thank you very much. (turns back to Spike) Goodbye, Spike. It was fun, sort of, have a good life, I’ve been a fool, so long. Now please go get your things and go with Cassandra and be banished to a bus.

SPIKE I’m sorry if I hurt you.

MASHA I’m sorry if you hurt me too. But you may not have. I notice my headache is gone.

SPIKE May I kiss you?

MASHA No.

SPIKE . . . May I shake hands?

MASHA Yes. (They shake hands.) I wish you success.

SPIKE Thank you.

Spike exits up to the bedroom.

CASSANDRA (said simply, marveling in retrospect how correct her warning has been) Beware of Hootie Pie.

MASHA Indeed.

Phone rings. Masha picks up.