MASHA Spike is a very gifted actor. He was almost cast in the sequel to Entourage, Entourage 2. HBO thought he was wonderful.

SPIKE Yeah, I should’ve gotten that part.

MASHA But, darling, you came very close. They brought you in to network. You were down to the last three.

SPIKE Yeah. And they put me up in a fancy hotel.

MASHA Well, of course.

SONIA Maybe you’ll come close to getting another part soon.

MASHA Well next time he’ll get the part.

SPIKE Yeah, it’s only a matter of time.

VANYA I’m sorry, who is Spike? Is he your driver?

MASHA He’s my beloved!

VANYA He looks ten.

MASHA Oh, Vanya darling, don’t exaggerate. He’s 29 if he’s a day. And I’m only 41. Possibly 42.

Masha and Spike kiss with abandon and passion.

SONIA Hello. You’re not alone in the room. Hello.

MASHA Sorry, it’s all rather new for me.

SONIA Really? You’ve had five husbands.

SPIKE I like older women.

VANYA I’m relieved to hear it.

SPIKE Hey, a spark is either there or it’s not, right, Mashie?

MASHA Isn’t he adorable?

VANYA He’s attractive. I’m not sure if he’s adorable.

SONIA Really. Every time I see you, Masha, you make me feel bad. First you don’t notice me in the room somehow, and say hello to me as an afterthought. And now here you are nearing your dotage, and you’ve hooked up with some young stud. While I am forced to live through a succession of tedious days and tedious nights, and I never have fallen in love with anyone. Nor anyone with me. I’m sorry I was adopted into this family. I wish I had been left in the orphanage, and killed myself. Excuse me.

Sonia exits upstairs.

SPIKE Wow, intense.

MASHA Oh, she’s always been jealous of me, I’m really sick of it. I can’t help if I’m beautiful and intelligent and talented and successful, can I?

VANYA No, I guess you can’t.

SPIKE But the unhappy orphanage lady thinks I’m a stud, that’s nice. (He walks over to Vanya, and says provocatively) What about you? Do you like how I look?

VANYA What?

MASHA Now, Spike, I’m sure Vanya thinks you’re a perfectly nice-looking young man. Let’s leave it at that. (to Vanya) He craves attention slightly. But all good actors do.

SPIKE I’m hot!

VANYA Oh yes? Shouldn’t you leave that for others to say?

SPIKE (laughs good naturedly) No, I mean I’m warm. The air is warm, I’m hot! (looking out the window) That pond that’s out there. Can you swim in it?

VANYA Swim in it? It’s not very deep. You can wade in it.

SPIKE Yeah. Maybe I’ll do that.

MASHA Really, darling, you want to wade in a pond?