“It was like this: I carried him during the day. On my belly. You saw the sling I made. He ate around noon. He ate again at four thirty or so. We didn’t have a clock, but around that time, anyway. Then I made supper. Rice. Sometimes I fried apples to put into it. It takes a long time over an open fire. I kept the fire going all day. It was hard to start. I had to lay him down when I cut wood. I was afraid a splinter would hit him, or the butt of the ax. I’d try to find someplace soft, but after the snow came … I asked Han Shan to get me a piece of rubber, something waterproof, but he couldn’t find anything in that town. Lichtenstein had a slicker, but he was afraid the baby would piss on it. But I think he was warm when I was cooking. One side of him was against me and the fire must have warmed his other side. We ate early so I could have time to heat water for the dishes. When it was cleared up, the dishes, I gave the leftovers to the chickens and the goat. When that was all over, the baby would be hungry again. He only woke up once in the night after that treat.

“On that day, dinner was finished and those two had gone outside. I changed him and fed him. He was fine. There was nothing wrong with him. I put him down in his box and draped a blanket over so the wind wouldn’t get at him. Then I went down with the bucket to get water for the morning. The stream was down the hill. There was a dirt road up to the cabin that cars could use. But you crossed that road and went straight down through the brush to the stream. It was steep. The water was dark, almost black. The edges were frozen. There was just a clear run in the middle. Coming back up was the worst. You had to grab branches and rocks to pull yourself up with one hand and try not to lose the water. The sun doesn’t reach there even in the afternoon, so nothing thaws at all. They were sitting out front talking. They didn’t pay any attention when I came past with the bucket. Do you know how that kind of anger eats at you? I hated them. I went in and put the bucket by the fire. I rubbed my hands and jumped up and down fast to get warm. There was some leftover rice on a piece of paper. I was going to throw it to the chickens. I took a bite and I went over and lifted the blanket, still chewing, you see. To look at the baby. He was dead. Just dead. That’s all.”