I wanted to talk to him again. He seemed to be such an understanding person, a person who would take the time to listen to another person’s troubles. I was wishing I could see what his woman and his baby looked like. I was still having some drinks.

I knew there were nice men in the world, men who would love me for myself and not mistreat me. But how did you find them? How did you know they wouldn’t change years later? There weren’t any promises that would keep forever. Things altered in your lives and people changed. Sometimes they even started hating each other. I hated Harold so bad when I divorced him that I couldn’t stand to look at him. But I can still remember how tender his hands used to be. I can still remember the first time he undressed me and how he looked at me when I was naked.

But who would want me now? I shouldn’t have been surprised when Richard pulled away. I have varicose veins and my breasts are sagging. I’ve got those ugly rolls of fat around my middle. I’ve gone through the change. No, a young man doesn’t want an old woman. It’s the old woman who wants the young man.

I hoped he wouldn’t tell anybody. I hoped he wouldn’t tell his woman about it. I knew he wouldn’t. Not a nice boy like him. I wanted to blame something, so I blamed the drinking. But I couldn’t blame all of it on the drinking. I had to blame part of it on me.

I even thought about calling him. But I couldn’t call him. What if his woman answered? What would I say then? He might have already told her and she might want to know if this was the old drunk bag who tried to get Richard in the bed with her. She might say, Listen, you old dried up bag of shit. …

But what if he answered? It wasn’t late. It wasn’t even ten o’clock. But what if the baby was asleep and it woke her up? It was stupid to even think about it. But I wanted him to come back so bad. Nobody thinks the things I think. The crazy things, the awful things, the insane things. That’s what I was thinking when I heard him pull up.

I don’t even know what I said to her. I was almost too drunk to walk. She turned the porch light on and came to the door. I talked to her. I guess I scared her with all the blood I had on me. I know I looked awful. I can’t even remember what I said to her. There’s no telling what I said to her. It’s a wonder she didn’t call the police.