I laugh. Our eyes lock. His wry smile sinks into a more thoughtful expression. His eyes darken. His gaze drops to my mouth. My entire body flashes hot and my stomach squeezes tight. Is this really happening?

“Jane.” He steps closer, into my space, forcing me to tilt my head back to hold his eyes.

His head dips down. This is incredible. Amazing. Fantastic. I stretch up. We’re so close, his breath feathers my lips.

Oh, no. I’m going to screw this up.

Panic pushes up from the ground, starting at my feet and racing to the top of my head in a gush of dread. At the last minute, I wrench my head to the side and his mouth connects with my ear.

“Oh.” He shifts back. “Um. Jane? I’m sorry, I thought—”

“No. I’m sorry. I-I—” I take a deep breath, or attempt to, but panic is a set of muscled arms wrapping around my chest, squeezing. I can’t breathe.

Black spots cloud my vision.

Not this. Not now, of all times. Roaring fills my ears with white noise and my vision blackens. “I have to go.”

Chapter Nine

I think Alex follows me, or tries to, but I lose him, passing through a busy crowd of people forming in front of the Saloon. My surroundings are a blur of streetlights and buildings and traffic and pedestrians. I focus on my steps, one at a time, something to focus on while I work to calm my galloping heart.

I keep going, on and on, until I can breathe again and the panic subsides. I’ve walked half the damn peninsula, chugging up and down hills, before my body settles down.

What is wrong with me? Why did I run from Alex? He tells me he likes me and we nearly kiss and I bolt? This is something I want, isn’t it?

I like Alex. I like him more than he could possibly like me. And instead of reveling in a win for once, I push it away.

Why does my body fight me at every turn?

I say I want to be happy. I think I want to be happy, but when potential happiness is standing right in front of me, I flee like it’s going to chew me up, spit me out, piss on me, and then set me on fire.

I stop next to a Buddha statue and glance around. I’m in a park. The Japanese Tea Garden. Lanterns are set every few feet, glowing soft circles of light over the bushes, greenery, and rocks. But most of the park is a blob of black in the darkness. I’ve been here before, with Eloise. It’s pretty at night. But dark. I shiver and tug my jacket closer.

This place usually closes at five. And it costs to get in during the day. How did I get in here?