Anxiety is like walking through a dark tunnel with no lights at either end. Except it’s not even a real tunnel, it’s an imaginary tunnel. You aren’t actually in the dark, confined space, it just feels like it.

Even if you’re out in the open air, all you can see is the darkness.

This is me. Trapped in a tunnel of my own making.

I know this. Logically, I know it’s all in my head. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve tried the pills, I’ve heard the theories and used the various tools to soothe the monster under the bed. But it doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t make the fake monster any less real. The monster is still there, waiting to jump out and scare me as soon as I let my guard down.

I have to change me, and to get through this, that means I have to talk to Alex.

I think.

Either way, I’m going for it. I’m going to have a conversation with Alex and I’m not going to freak out and he’s going to invite me to the show again and I won’t leave, I’ll be normal. I’ll just talk to him. People talk every day. All the time. Most people can’t shut up. I can be that person.

Footsteps pound the pavement behind me, thumping in time with my heart.

“Hey, Jane. You okay?”

I try to breathe through the nerves. “No. Not really.”

“How did the pitch go?”

“It didn’t go well at all. Terrible, actually. Really, really bad. Horrible.”

I wait for him to invite me to his show. But he doesn’t. He says, “I’m so sorry, Jane.”

And that’s it.

I stare at him. Waiting.

He glances back at the building. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah. I need to go home.” I widen my eyes, lifting my brows, as if the motion might compel him to ask the question. Why isn’t he asking? Didn’t he ask yesterday when I told him it went badly? What else did I tell him? I try to remember but it’s hard to think straight when my stomach is rolling and my knees are shaking.

“Do you need a ride?”

“No, I don’t need a ride. I—” I need you to ask me to your show. The one I’m not supposed to know anything about yet.

My face heats. Nerves collide inside like pinballs in a machine. The tunnel shudders and shakes around me. I can’t panic in front of him, even if he won’t remember it tomorrow.

“I-I gotta go. Bye.”