We check under the bed, inside the closet, in the bathroom even though we already both took showers. She sneers at the flesh poker, and then we arrive back at the bed just as another ding goes off. This time, I hear it come from her nightstand.

“I think it’s in your nightstand,” I say.

“Really?” she asks, clawing at my shirt. “Well, go…go look.”

I’m about to reach for the handle to pull it open, but she stops me.

“Wait, use this,” she says, holding the dildo out to me.

“No.”

“I’m serious,” she says, stopping me from opening the drawer. “You might need to bludgeon something to death, whatever it is.”

“I’m not going to bludgeon whatever is inside. Jesus.”

I lean forward, grip the drawer pull, and feel her tense behind me as her free hand claws at my shirt. When I pull the drawer open, whatever is inside dings one more time.

Scottie screams bloody murder, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me while she tosses the dildo into the drawer and then takes off into the bathroom, where the door shuts and the lock clicks.

“You’re on your own,” she yells through the crack.

Wow.

What a wife.

Taking a calming breath in an effort to get my shit together, I look inside the drawer, where I find a tablet, plugged into an outlet in the drawer.

Jesus.

“Wh-what is it? Are you still alive? Did it eat you? Have you been stung? Do you need antivenom? If it’s a snake, I’m crawling out of this small bathroom window, and I’m using the emergency phone to call Denise to rescue me.” She pauses for a moment as I pull the tablet out. “Hello? You dead?”

The door clicks open, and I glance over my shoulder to see her peek her head out.

“Why aren’t you answering me?”

“Because you’re acting like a numbskull,” I say. “It was a tablet beeping. It’s a message to the both of us.”

“A message?” She comes out of the bathroom and walks up next to me. “What is it?”

“I don’t know.” I tap on the button that says Read message. It blacks out for a moment, and then a screen pops up of a naked woman straddling a man on a bed.

“Dear God in heaven,” she shouts and covers her eyes. “Is that porn?”

“Yeah, looks like it.” I read the top of the screen. “Welcome to Camp Haven. Your Nightly Show is waiting for you.”

She peeks from between her fingers. “You have to be kidding me. They send everyone porn at night?”

“Yup.”

“Why on earth would they do that?”

“I don’t know. Probably to upsell the minibar,” I say while slipping the tablet back in the nightstand.

“What do you mean?”