Scottie screams bloody murder, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me while she tosses the dildo into the drawer and then takes off into the bathroom, where the door shuts and the lock clicks.

“You’re on your own,” she yells through the crack.

Wow.

What a wife.

Taking a calming breath in an effort to get my shit together, I look inside the drawer, where I find a tablet, plugged into an outlet in the drawer.

Jesus.

“Wh-what is it? Are you still alive? Did it eat you? Have you been stung? Do you need antivenom? If it’s a snake, I’m crawling out of this small bathroom window, and I’m using the emergency phone to call Denise to rescue me.” She pauses for a moment as I pull the tablet out. “Hello? You dead?”

The door clicks open, and I glance over my shoulder to see her peek her head out.

“Why aren’t you answering me?”

“Because you’re acting like a numbskull,” I say. “It was a tablet beeping. It’s a message to the both of us.”

“A message?” She comes out of the bathroom and walks up next to me. “What is it?”

“I don’t know.” I tap on the button that says Read message. It blacks out for a moment, and then a screen pops up of a naked woman straddling a man on a bed.

“Dear God in heaven,” she shouts and covers her eyes. “Is that porn?”

“Yeah, looks like it.” I read the top of the screen. “Welcome to Camp Haven. Your Nightly Show is waiting for you.”

She peeks from between her fingers. “You have to be kidding me. They send everyone porn at night?”

“Yup.”

“Why on earth would they do that?”

“I don’t know. Probably to upsell the minibar,” I say while slipping the tablet back in the nightstand.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if they are running their business the way I think they’re running it, they probably send a video to couples every night, couples are curious and watch, the video probably has one of the toys or products on the dresser, the couple gets more curious, and before you know it, they’re reenacting what they saw in the video. Great way to sell the lovemaking minibar.”

“Wow.” She shakes her head. “Is there not any decency in this world? Whatever happened to helping couples find love again? Now it’s all about product consumption. And the couples are falling for it. Just fools.”

“Yeah, real fools. Pretty sure they’re not the ones wielding a dildo out of fear that a beeping snake might attack them when they open their nightstand.”

She stares at me, running her tongue over her teeth. “You know, your sarcasm is tiresome.”

“Already?” I ask. “This is day one. We have a long way to go, Pips. Better get used to it.” I flip the cover down on the bed and climb back in. “Now, hop in. We have a video to watch.”