“No,” I answer. “Just…I don’t know, haven’t really thought about being with anyone, and I feel like people who go to those apps, at least the right people, are looking for a relationship, you know? And I don’t want to do them a disservice by not wanting to be in a relationship.”

“Ever?” she asks.

“No, not ever. Just, I guess, when I’m ready.”

“Not to pry, but you know, we’ve talked a lot about me. So it’s your turn. When do you think you’ll be ready?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly as I start rolling up the sleeping bag that was pulled from the tent before we started taking it down. “I think when everything just seems…right. If that makes sense.”

“Can I ask what that means?”

I can see her tiptoeing, clearly after an answer that I’m uncomfortable talking about. Then again, she’s talked about a lot of uncomfortable things, so maybe it’s time for me to share.

“Uh, well, with Mika. I want him to be comfortable, mentally healthy. I feel like I have some baggage where my mom is concerned and with my dad’s death and his accident. There are some things to unpack there.”

“I thought you said baggage wasn’t a bad thing.”

“It’s not,” I say, looking her in the eyes. “It’s really not. But I haven’t really dealt with my own baggage, so how can I inflict that on someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, you know?”

“I understand that,” she says. She sticks the poles in the tent bag. “Mika said that your mom cheated on your dad.” When she looks up at me, she winces. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. It was a dark moment for him when he told me.”

I pause, my limbs going still as the words float around us, just out there in the world. Words I try to ignore, to suppress, because it’s such a fucked-up situation.

My dad was in a horrible car accident that left him quadriplegic. It was tough on everyone, especially my mom, who had to work extra hours to pay for his home care and then come home and take care of us. She…she was stressed, she didn’t have my father the way she used to, and one night, after hearing Mom on the phone with someone clearly making a time to meet, Mika followed her to our dad’s best friend’s place. He saw them kiss in the front doorway, and from what looked like clothes coming off quickly, he surmised the rest. She owned up to it when she got home.

It was devastating to say the least. From there, it felt like everything fell apart.