11:08:58 <crushedmarigolds> Tubes and wires are connected to your fingers, snaking in and out of your mouth and nostrils. A desperate effort to keep you alive any way possible. Keep you permanently living in your agony.

11:10:08 <crushedmarigolds> I inch closer toward the bed to look at you and for some reason, I savor the moment – I savor the sight of you in pain, your eyes pleading with me to end your suffering. I think to myself, “if I were an ice pick, I’d scramble your brain like a plate of eggs.” I think to myself, “if I were a black hole, I’d swallow you and shit you out in tiny pieces.” I think to myself, “if I were a tomahawk, I’d split you right down the middle like a rotten piece of fruit.” I’d do anything I could to erase you – smear you against the world the way a boot wipes off a squished worm on a scraper.

11:10:31 <crushedmarigolds> You motion for me to lean closer. So, I do. You can’t speak, but I see your lips moving with muted words.

11:10:49 <crushedmarigolds> And you mouth the words to me – “Kill me,” you say. Over and over again. “Kill me.” “KILL ME.”

11:10:59 <crushedmarigolds> “With what?” I ask.

11:11:52 <crushedmarigolds> Your eyes merely wander to the machine keeping you alive beside your bed. I follow your eyes and it’s then I see the plug in the wall. I don’t hesitate at all. One yank and it’s decided. The line flattens on the screen. Doctors and nurses, their faces hidden behind surgical masks, rush into the room and examine you. They don’t do much. Merely shut your eyelids before passing a white sheet over your face. Then, they turn to me.

11:12:09 <crushedmarigolds> “You have to take her place now,” they say to me.

11:12:20 <crushedmarigolds> “But, I’m not sick,” I say. “Look at me. I’m fine.”

11:12:43 <crushedmarigolds> Then, I look down and I realize my skin has been burned off too – shining tissue blistered red staring back at me in my skin’s reflection. It’s not long before I take your place - reclining in the bed, machines keeping me alive.

11:13:03 <crushedmarigolds> Only this time, there’s nobody around to pull the plug for me.

11:13:45 <crushedmarigolds> Are you still there?

11:13:58 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> Yeah, I’m here

11:14:09 <crushedmarigolds> Dreams can tell us things

11:14:13 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> What did that dream tell you?

11:14:23 <crushedmarigolds> How I would never want to hurt you

11:14:44 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> Yes

11:14:49 <crushedmarigolds> Also how much I love you

11:14:59 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> Love?

11:15:07 <crushedmarigolds> Does that word scare you?

11:15:09 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> No, I like it. It sounds nice.

11:15:17 <crushedmarigolds> I can’t stay on. Early workday tomorrow

11:15:28 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> You’ll email me?

11:15:38 <crushedmarigolds> Why wouldn’t I?

11:15:44 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> Good.

11:15:49 <agnes_in_wonderland_76> I love you

11:15:55 <crushedmarigolds> Love you

[<crushedmarigolds> has left the chat]

[<agnes_in_wonderland_76> has left the chat]

EMAIL FROM AGNES PETRELLA

Date: 08/01/2000