I wrapped my arms around Mama as though I was a child, tucking my head under her chin. I clung to her waist, not wanting to let her go. She held me firmly for several seconds, rocking the way she once had when she wanted to soothe me and humming a familiar lullaby under her breath. I wanted to stand frozen in that moment forever. My childhood, all of the memories we had shared, passed between us, slipping through my fingers like the tide receding. Between us, my sister cooed.

I looked down at the baby, caressed the top of her head, which had become as familiar as my own in such a short period of time. I had only just found her and grown to love her and now I was going to lose her, maybe forever. The three of us were the very last family we had. “It will be a few months tops,” Mama said. “Then the war will be over and we can go get her right away.” I wanted to believe it would be that simple. But I had seen too much of the war.

“Mama, she still needs a name,” I said.

“God will name her,” she said, and I knew in that moment that she did not believe we would get my sister back.

Then Mama disentangled herself and turned to face the grate. I pushed it open for her and she climbed out, holding my sister.

Still I could not let her go. “Wait, I’ll come with you,” I said, grasping her ankle so hard she nearly stumbled. I started to climb out after her.

“No,” she replied firmly, shaking off my grip. I knew that there would be no convincing her. “You must stay here. I’ll come back to you, I swear.” Mama’s voice was strong and sure. “I love you, kochana,” my mother said as I helped her replace the grate with effort. Her face lingered for a moment before disappearing. I stood motionless, listening for the sounds, anything to know that she was still there. But I heard only her footsteps, growing fainter as she walked away. I was seized with the urge to climb out and follow, beg her not to go, or at the very least keep her safe while she did.

There was a scraping noise from above. My breath caught. Mama had returned! I waited for her to realize her mistake, to come back and say she would never leave me, that we would find a way together. But a pigeon appeared, pecking at the grate. It looked down at me sorrowfully before flapping its wings and flying away, leaving me alone.

18

Sadie

And just like that, my whole world was gone.

After Mama disappeared onto the riverbank with my baby sister, I remained by the grate, waiting. Some part of me expected her to realize the foolishness of her own plan and return.

“Mama!” I called, louder than I should, just in case she was still within earshot. It was dangerous—I might be heard by a patrol or passerby overhead and give us all away. But I didn’t care anymore.