Cue some lame-arse joke about pain and strife …

The same sad anti-wife jokes you see online –

What would you’all do without us for punchlines?

You get so dramatic:

HUSBAND WINSTON

To love you is hell –

It’s like I’m thirsty and you’re a dry well.

ALVITA

So you say

HUSBAND DARREN

It’s like being on actual fire –

HUSBAND IAN

Like being thrown on a funeral pyre

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

You’re like woodworm

ALVITA

Says you

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

And I’m the tree.

You’re not done till you’ve eaten all of me!

ALVITA

People of Brent: you hear how he talks when

He’s pissed? Well, I told him he said that then

I used it against him. He never found

Out it wasn’t true – I just wrote it down

And said he did. That poor fool got no peace.

I told student Ryan, and Kelly, my niece,

We see KELLY, and see RYAN still hidden by his camera raise a hand, but again in the most casual way.

And they believed me and blamed him; he looked

Like the bad guy and I’m off the hook.

Simple advice, Colin, it’ll take you far:

Whoever’s behind the wheel drives the car.

That’s it. We didn’t fight, if I’m honest.

He planted his seeds. I burned his forests.

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

I said sorry for things I hadn’t done!

Girls I never touched, game I never run.

ALVITA

I knew you too ol’ to be playing away

But I accused you of it anyway

Because you liked it! You needed jealousy

To feel I wanted you like you wanted me …

I told you: ‘All my going out at night

Is just to check those girls I fear might

Be after you!’

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

And I truly believed.

ALVITA

You were way too vain to think I’d deceived

You. But truth is I’m just out getting mine!

And the thing is, I get my way every time …

Women are good at lying! Or if you

Want to say it more nicely, we just do

A little creative work with the facts.

I cry, I make up stuff, I blatantly act –

I’m playing four-dimensional chess,

Colin, and no husband can ever mess

With me. Especially not in a bed.

That’s where I truly eff with their heads …

For example, if I’ve got a new man –

A fresh husband; not a flash in the pan –

Lying next to me, and here comes his hand,

I immediately make him understand:

I will get out of this bed unless you

Get me off first. Then I’ll see what I can do

For you. The point is you don’t get someting

For nutting. No my friend: that’s not a thing.

And honestly, as it goes, I was not

Attracted to any of those old men. But

I put on a good show. And they gave me