“I wish I could tell you that, kiddo.” Max’s expression was heartbreakingly tender. “But he was a different person then.”

I excused myself and headed for the room I’d only recently begun to think of as mine.

The couch springs creaked miserably as Max stood. “He didn’t want you to go with us because he didn’t want you to get hurt. That was his main concern. I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but don’t waste the time you’ve got left. Take it from me, eternity gets pretty damn lonely after a while.”

I lay awake for a long time, pondering Max’s words, and the knowledge that at any moment, I could just poof out of existence.

It wasn’t fair to let Nathan and Max risk their lives to kill Cyrus. Not when he’d just end up killing me, too. No matter how many times I thought it through, I came to the same conclusion. I should go to Cyrus and kill him myself. If he took me out in the process, the only loss would be me. And as far as I was concerned, I was dead already.

I listened until I heard Max turn off the television, then I crept into Nathan’s bedroom. He woke immediately, bolting upright in bed. “Carrie? What’s wrong?”

“Shh.” I peeled off my nightgown and climbed in beside him. His arms closed around me and he pulled me beneath him.

This time, the only urgency came from his desire for me. He touched me as though reassuring himself I was still there, we still had time.

We didn’t speak. I think we were both afraid of making it mean too much. Perhaps Nathan thought to spare me the pain of his death. I know I would have done anything to spare him the pain of mine.

So when he kissed me, I kept the contact brief. When he slid down my body to tease me with his mouth, I didn’t cry out his name. And when he finally spoke to ask me what I wanted, I didn’t say I wanted him to make love to me. I told him to fuck me.

Angrily, he obliged. He spread my legs wide and plunged into me. Besides that, the most contact our bodies made was the slap of his hips against my thighs and the hard grip he had on my ankles as he held them high and apart. The bed shook and slammed against the wall, and I didn’t bother to muffle my screams of pleasure. He came with a shudder that sounded like a sob and pulled me into a fierce embrace.

I kissed his forehead and held him tight. Who was I kidding? Trying to block off my emotions for him would be like trying to stop a leak in the Hoover Dam with a cork. I had to know that eventually, the cork would shoot out and my feelings would just gush everywhere, bringing nothing but death and destruction to the valley below.