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Contents (57)
  1. THE TRIMMED LAMP
  2. * * *
  3. O. HENRY
  4. *
  5. Contents
  6. *
  7. The Trimmed Lamp
  8. *
  9. A Madison Square Arabian Night
  10. *
  11. The Rubaiyat of a Scotch Highball
  12. *
  13. The Pendulum
  14. *
  15. Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen
  16. *
  17. The Assessor of Success
  18. *
  19. The Buyer from Cactus City
  20. *
  21. The Badge of Policeman O'Roon
  22. *
  23. Brickdust Row
  24. *
  25. The Making of a New Yorker
  26. *
  27. Vanity and Some Sables
  28. *
  29. The Social Triangle
  30. *
  31. The Purple Dress
  32. *
  33. The Foreign Policy of Company 99
  34. *
  35. The Lost Blend
  36. *
  37. A Harlem Tragedy
  38. *
  39. "The Guilty Party"
  40. *
  41. According to Their Lights
  42. *
  43. A Midsummer Knight's Dream
  44. *
  45. The Last Leaf
  46. *
  47. The Count and the Wedding Guest
  48. *
  49. The Country of Elusion
  50. *
  51. The Ferry of Unfulfilment
  52. *
  53. The Tale of a Tainted Tenner
  54. *
  55. Elsie in New York
  56. *
  57. * * *

Into this back room one evening when his watch was done sauntered Con. His professional curiosity had been stirred by these occult bartenders at whose bar none drank, and who daily drew upon Kenealy's store of liquors to follow their consuming and fruitless experiments.

Down the back stairs came Katherine with her smile like sunrise on Gweebarra Bay.

"Good evening, Mr. Lantry," says she. "And what is the news to-day, if you please?"

"It looks like r-rain," stammered the shy one, backing to the wall.

"It couldn't do better," said Katherine. "I'm thinking there's nothing the worse off for a little water." In the back room Riley and McQuirk toiled like bearded witches over their strange compounds. From fifty bottles they drew liquids carefully measured after Riley's figures, and shook the whole together in a great glass vessel. Then McQuirk would dash it out, with gloomy profanity, and they would begin again.

"Sit down," said Riley to Con, "and I'll tell you.

"Last summer me and Tim concludes that an American bar in this nation of Nicaragua would pay. There was a town on the coast where there's nothing to eat but quinine and nothing to drink but rum. The natives and foreigners lay down with chills and get up with fevers; and a good mixed drink is nature's remedy for all such tropical inconveniences.

"So we lays in a fine stock of wet goods in New York, and bar fixtures and glassware, and we sails for that Santa Palma town on a lime steamer. On the way me and Tim sees flying fish and plays seven-up with the captain and steward, and already begins to feel like the high-ball kings of the tropics of Capricorn.

"When we gets in five hours of the country that we was going to introduce to long drinks and short change the captain calls us over to the starboard binnacle and recollects a few things.

"'I forgot to tell you, boys,' says he, 'that Nicaragua slapped an import duty of 48 per cent. ad valorem on all bottled goods last month. The President took a bottle of Cincinnati hair tonic by mistake for tobasco sauce, and he's getting even. Barrelled goods is free.'

"'Sorry you didn't mention it sooner,' says we. And we bought two forty-two gallon casks from the captain, and opened every bottle we had and dumped the stuff all together in the casks. That 48 per cent would have ruined us; so we took the chances on making that $1,200 cocktail rather than throw the stuff away.

"Well, when we landed we tapped one of the barrels. The mixture was something heartrending. It was the color of a plate of Bowery pea soup, and it tasted like one of those coffee substitutes your aunt makes you take for the heart trouble you get by picking losers. We gave a nigger four fingers of it to try it, and he lay under a cocoanut tree three days beating the sand with his heels and refused to sign a testimonial.