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“The Surrender Theory traverses the landscapes of love & grief with unwavering footsteps. These poems dive into vulnerability with their eyes wide open. I’m grateful to have spent time with this collection while navigating my own grief-broken heart. Thank you, Caitlin, for the reminder that it is worth it to live for the things we love.”

— Sabrina Benaim, author of Depression and Other Magic Tricks

“Many have tried to describe the multitude of ways that grief can hold you, but none have come close to the way Caitlin transports you back into the feeling of its arms. The Surrender Theory is an engaging and accessible way to remember what it feels like to love. What it feels like to lose. The beauty in this collection lies in Caitlin’s ability to detail her truth in a way that feels universal. We all have been touched by the feeling of yearning. This poetry will help you understand the depths of it. It will help you understand that you don’t have to get lost in it.”

— Ari B. Cofer, author of Paper Girl and the Knives That Made Her

“Conlon knows the essence of capturing an audience. Her signature voice is familiar and comforting, like she knows a part of you that even you have yet to discover. Anyone who has felt grief and the complexity of the human experience will confide in Conlon’s work. She has the ability to see life through its clutter and she will show you that you can too.”

— Zane Frederick, author of i am tired of being a dandelion

Dedication

For Dolly

Content Warning: this book contains sensitive material related to death, grief, and mental health.

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THE SURRENDER THEORY

there isn’t much that scares me more

than my own heart

a monster

of tenderness.

I have an irrational fear that I’ll wake to find it

perched at the

foot of my bed

begging to be torn apart, consumed

in the name of compassion.

& that’s incredibly terrifying

for a few different reasons but

mainly because I’d do it.

I’ve never needed an excuse

to sacrifice myself for love.

I’m a martyr for everything soft.

I confess to you: I’d bleed for anything

if it held me the right way.

I confess:I have.

I have.

I CAN TELL IT’S AQUARIUS SEASON BECAUSE MY KNUCKLES ARE SPLITTING

What I thought was forever was just

last year. My body has attempted every

rebellion at least twice. Like ice in a

snowstorm, the future has solidified

on the doorknobs. It asks me for the key.

There’s no way I’m making it out of here alive.

THE POET HAS A ONE-SIDED CONVERSATION WITH HER JOURNAL

Do you ever get the impression

that you’re on the wrong side

of your own life?

I just mean that sometimes it feels like

a constant battle between wanting it