I open his door as quietly as possible, trying to be light on my feet. Then I move across to the bed, trying not to disturb him, gently pull the duvet aside and climb in beside him. The rhythm of his snoring is disrupted for a few moments, and I hold my breath. But he doesn’t wake. As he enters deep sleep again, and the rhythm settles, I curl up against him, feeling his warmth, imagining what it must be like to be loved. Normally I can’t stand snoring, but his become more like regular snuffles. They soothe me, and I soon find myself drifting off.

*

Sometime in the night, he’s turned against me. I can feel his hardness. I know it’s just a Pavlovian, physical response, and that it means nothing. But I can’t help myself getting excited. Then I hear him mumble his wife’s name. I should be annoyed – I know I should be. But instead that excites me still further. I take a huge risk, and start to caress his penis, just very lightly rubbing the back of my hand under his glans. I feel him start to respond in his sleep. He seems to get even harder – impressive for his age. I duck my head under the covers, move the fly of his pyjamas aside, and – very softly – use my tongue instead of my hand, gliding it round. I feel him responding, and then take him fully into my mouth. Before he really realises what’s happening, he’s unloading in the back of my throat, while making anguished cries.

‘Oh God, Oh God. No!’ Then he’s trying to throw me off. ‘Lotti! What the hell are you doing?’ He might be complaining now. But I know he wanted it. I know he needed it. And I know he wants and needs me – he’s just given me the proof, and I swallow it down urgently.

Chapter 37

37

Interrogation room, People’s Police HQ, Dresden

February 1982

‘How’s Arnold?’ asked Lotti.

‘We’re the ones asking the questions, Citizen Rolf,’ replied Tilsner.

Müller sighed. Sometimes her deputy was aggressive and abrasive just for the sake of it, when a subtler approach might bear more fruit. ‘He’s getting treatment at the hospital as we speak,’ said Müller. ‘They’ll do the best they can for him. But he may lose the leg. You realise you should have sought hospital treatment earlier?’

Lotti held her head in her hands. ‘He wouldn’t let me take him. He knew he’d be arrested, and that all he’d worked for would be lost.’

‘Why would he have been arrested?’ asked Tilsner.

Lotti stared at him as though he were mad. ‘It’s obvious, isn’t it?’

‘Why don’t you tell us in your own words, Lotti?’ said Müller, as gently as possible.

‘Well, after what happened in Gorbitz.’