Norah hadn’t thought about that afternoon for a long time. Years later she discovered not only that the magician was a fairly famous conjuror who usually did adult shows, but also that he was Valerie’s uncle. When Valerie refused, even as a teenager, to tell Norah how he’d done it, Norah began to realise that she probably didn’t know herself. But all her life, Valerie had remained obsessed with disappearing and was forever saying that she’d vanish into thin air some day. You can’t leave me, Norah would say. What would I do without you? I’d be lost.

It was true. Valerie had been her best friend since kindergarten and she’d never again had anyone who had made her feel understood in quite that way. Yes, all right, Sandra was a good friend. But it wasn’t the same. Typical Valerie phrases popped into Norah’s mind. If you run away, I’ll come with you—after a bad fight between Norah and her mum. I’ll kill him for you if you like—after Norah had caught her first boyfriend Nico snogging that bitch from another class. And, over and over again: Promise we’ll be friends forever. Swear to me.

And Norah had sworn.

Was it the age they were? Could unconditional friendship exist only between children and teenagers who were still free from the demands of everyday life, not yet worn down by the constant struggle for compromise?

Norah went into the kitchen and climbed onto a chair to get down the book she’d hidden in the cupboard. She ran her fingers over the cover of this book that had once been Valerie’s and the image of a frozen lake at night flashed into her mind. The scene of all Norah’s nightmares. Her throat tightened. Her eyes slid over the big black letters of the title.

How to Disappear Completely.

33

Norah stood at the kitchen window smoking. At least there was no one to complain about the cigarette smoke on her breath—that was something. She breathed a smoke ring into the evening sky, and then a second to slide through the first. She could still do it. Down below, walking past, she saw Marie, the young woman with the sad eyes who worked in the newsagent’s. Shoulders drooping, eyes on the ground. Norah choked up when she saw her. Then Marie disappeared from view and Norah’s thoughts drifted to the previous day. Why had she been so disturbed by the man at the zebra crossing? She kept seeing his face, hearing his voice. My God, Valerie!

Norah and Valerie hadn’t looked anything like one another, but that hadn’t stopped them from being like sisters. Even today, after all that had happened, Norah still felt it fair to say that no one had loved her as unconditionally as Valerie.

She recalled the conversation she’d had with Theresa the other day. It’s true, she thought, I attract women I can’t help. And it all began with Valerie; she was the first. The pain was so sudden and so keen that Norah found herself gasping for breath.