‘You don’t have a relative staying – an elderly relative?’ Maurice asked.

Emily looked at him oddly. ‘No, no we don’t, we haven’t really had many visitors yet.’

‘Today is pretty much the first batch,’ Jason said.

Maurice frowned then peered at the coffee table. ‘Is that your wedding album?’ he asked, leaning forward and peering at it more closely.

‘It is, yes.’

Maurice put a handful of crisps into his mouth, picked it up and began thumbing through it. Looking for the woman whose face had been at the window. ‘Five years you’ve been married?’

Annoyed at the idea of these people thumbing through their precious album with greasy fingers, Jason dashed to the kitchen.

‘Six in July,’ Emily replied.

Jason came back in and placed a paper serviette in front of each of the Penze-Weedells.

‘Claudette and I, we’ve been married for thirty years – I’d have got less for murder!’ he said, bringing out the old joke again and glancing at his wife. She was not with them. She was staring at something across the room – very rude of her, he thought.

‘Thirty years? Wow!’ Jason said. ‘So, what made you move here?’

‘Well, we lived in Brighton for many years,’ he replied. ‘Very convenient for the kids. But once the last one left home we thought it would be nice to move out to the countryside. I guess that makes us UFBs.’

Jason frowned. ‘UFBs?’

‘Up From Brightons!’ Maurice replied.

Claudette shovelled a handful of nuts and crisps into her mouth all at the same time. As she spoke she spattered fragments of each as if her mouth was a shotgun. ‘Maurice and I are so happy you’ve moved in. I told him the moment I saw you, here come PLOs!’

‘PLOs?’ Emily queried, while Jason topped up their glasses, finishing the bottle and hoping not to have to open the second one of the three that he had been keeping for Christmas Day.

‘People Like One,’ Claudette replied. ‘Can you imagine how frightful it would be, on a closed environment like Cold Hill Park, to have difficult neighbours?’

‘I can’t imagine,’ Emily replied.

Jason nodded in agreement.

Maurice nodded, thoughtfully.

There was a stilted silence, relieved only by the sound of crunching from Claudette’s mouth.

‘So,’ Jason said, ‘how long have you both been in Sussex?’

‘All our lives,’ Claudette replied. ‘Both of us. Wouldn’t live anywhere else.’

‘I’m with you on that,’ Emily said.

There was another long silence. Mrs Penze-Weedell ate more crisps, nuts and olives. Jason wondered again how long this ordeal was going to last.

‘Happy Christmas, everyone!’ Emily said, raising her glass.

They all clinked. Then fell back into the same awkward silence.

Emily broke it, addressing Maurice Penze-Weedell. ‘So how are you guys spending Christmas?’

His wife answered for him. ‘We have our whole family with us this year. Fortunately, our house is very large. We like a family Christmas.’

‘Lovely,’ Emily said.

‘How nice,’ Jason added, and noticed, to his dismay, their glasses were already empty again. He opened a second bottle. And half an hour later, having finished the remainder of the bottle from last night as well, found himself having to open a third.