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Chapters (45)
  1. Cover Page
  2. The Scent of Your Breath
  3. Dedication
  4. ONE
  5. TWO
  6. THREE
  7. FOUR
  8. FIVE
  9. SIX
  10. SEVEN
  11. EIGHT
  12. NINE
  13. TEN
  14. ELEVEN
  15. TWELVE
  16. THIRTEEN
  17. FOURTEEN
  18. FIFTEEN
  19. SIXTEEN
  20. SEVENTEEN
  21. EIGHTEEN
  22. NINETEEN
  23. TWENTY
  24. TWENTY-ONE
  25. TWENTY-TWO
  26. TWENTY-THREE
  27. TWENTY-FOUR
  28. TWENTY-FIVE
  29. TWENTY-SIX
  30. TWENTY-SEVEN
  31. TWENTY-EIGHT
  32. TWENTY-NINE
  33. THIRTY
  34. THIRTY-ONE
  35. THIRTY-TWO
  36. THIRTY-THREE
  37. THIRTY-FOUR
  38. THIRTY-FIVE
  39. THIRTY-SIX
  40. THIRTY-SEVEN
  41. THIRTY-EIGHT
  42. THIRTY-NINE
  43. FORTY
  44. FORTY-ONE
  45. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I no longer have death in my heart, because my heart has already been stripped down to nothing. Now death is advancing like a tumor; I feel it itching as it settles among my joints and muscles.

It’s slow, tender, sinuous, feline. I’m not afraid. It’s playing its part well; it knows how to catch human beings in its noose.

I’m abandoning him and going back to the red house on the hill, bringing his torn-up T-shirts impregnated with his smell. I don’t sleep because I sense that if I did, I would never ever wake up again. I huddle up on the sofa and think, until the light’s excitement has subsided; then at night I light the fire and bring tears to my eyes by fanning the flames.

I don’t know what Penelope did—I wonder if she ever came. I really hope she did, so I huddle up and think of the two of them. He says, “Come on in. Melissa should be here any minute,” and she says, “Oh no, I’m sorry, I’ll come back later,” and then he looks at her and realizes that she has beautiful eyes and a beautiful face framed by beautiful hair. But he doesn’t desire her, no, not yet. She goes downstairs to wait for me, and I will never come, so she will ring the doorbell and say to him, “Listen, she hasn’t arrived yet. My train has gone … I can take the ten-thirty,” and then inevitably he will invite her up and maybe offer her a cold beer, and then, only then, will he realize, as he watches her sipping her beer, that she has the most beautiful mouth he’s ever seen. And then, only then, will he decide to kiss her.

And I go to sleep.

When I heard you crying at night, before I abandoned you, I turned to face the other way and thought, Basically it’s my life. I could have made it happier in the past … but I couldn’t do it. Should I apologize?

Should I apologize?

My new snakeskins are burning too quickly.

THIRTY-EIGHT

I follow him at night as he runs about the city on a moped with Penelope’s breasts pressed up against his back. I remember when we used to enjoy ourselves counting the holes in Rome, the huge crevices that pierce the streets. From Trastevere to the Esquiline we counted thirty-eight holes; from Piazza Fiume to the Cassia there were too many to count.