I stayed in bed feeling utterly miserable and scared for the next few days. My grandmother’s money was all gone and without the job I couldn’t pay my rent. I missed my work colleagues, I missed the buzz of the restaurant and I hated having to think about an uncertain future. I missed the partying afterwards, which always lifted my mood. I wanted things to be ‘pleasant enough’ again.

When I eventually peeled myself out of bed, I made my way to the restaurant to pick up a few of my things and to say goodbye to the staff. I went at 6pm sharp in the hope that I wouldn’t bump into Tommy. As it happened, he was the first person I encountered when I walked in. He was carrying a tray loaded with glasses to be placed on the tables. As soon as he saw me he walked over, handed me the tray and walked away into the back kitchen without saying a word. I took it as a cue to finish placing the glasses on the tables. A few minutes later he appeared beside me and threw a white blouse on the table in front of me. Again, he walked away without comment. The blouse was the restaurant uniform and so I went into the toilets and put it on. It seemed that my job was still available and, if that was the case, it was something that I very much wanted.

The staff seemed totally oblivious to my ‘sacking’ and simply enquired about my health and hoped that I was feeling better. I worked my arse off that night and after a couple of hours the sickening feeling I had had in my stomach those past few days simply disappeared. Tommy made sure that he never caught my eye and at the end of my shift I went straight home, still not having said a word to him. This stand-off continued for the next couple of shifts until one evening, just before I was leaving, he came up behind me at the bar and put his hands around my waist. He leant around me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

‘You’ve made the right choice,’ he whispered into my ear. ‘Why don’t you stay here tonight?’

I turned around and kissed him. I was so happy. In that brief moment, it felt like love. Later that night we were on his bed taking coke. He smiled at me, placed his hand over my head and began to give it a massage. I smiled back at him. I think this was the moment I realized that my life was no longer mine to control.