‘Yes, I have! There, in box two. Read it for yourself.’

‘I have, sir.’

‘And what does it say? I think you will find it’s as clear as the nose on your face.’ Squeak, squeak, squeak. (Celebratory shuffle.)

‘It says, “My neighbour is creeping around in my attic at night making noises akin to a baby bear and in doing so is causing me great upset and distress.”’

‘There you have it! Let’s get this thing rolling and get the bastard locked up.’

‘I’m sorry, sir, but trespass and noise nuisance are civil matters for the civil courts. This is a criminal court. Unless your application reveals the commission of a crime such as theft or assault, then I can’t stamp it and enter it into the system.’

‘So as far as you are concerned it’s okay for some foreigner’ – squeak – ‘to enter a person’s house and bark like a baby bear without fear of consequence?’

‘No, I’m not saying that, sir. I’m just stating that it’s not a matter for the criminal courts, and this is a criminal court.’

‘Where are you from? You don’t look like you’re from around here.’ Squeak, squeak. (Nervous shuffle.)

‘I’m from Deptford, sir. Now, if there’s nothing else, I’ve got quite a queue building up behind you. Might I suggest you consult a solicitor about what remedies you might have?’

Clown Shoe Man turned away from the counter with a loud sigh of frustration and stared directly at me.

‘Are you a solicitor?’ he enquired.

‘No, I’m a carpet salesman.’

‘Sounds about right.’

And with that he marched out of the room with his shoes pumping out the beat of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. After I had issued the summons, I bought a coffee and sat on a wooden bench on Camberwell Green. Brendan came into my mind and, as I had a spare hour before I needed to be back at work, I decided to pop round to his home in Sydenham and leave a note asking him to contact me and explaining that his documents had been stolen but could easily be replaced. I could also check for any signs of him actually being there.