‘Sorry, mate, this is residents’ parking only,’ I said with a charming smile.

‘Get out of it, you cheeky bugger. So, what are you doing here? You got a girlfriend on every estate, have you? I very much doubt it by the look of you.’

‘No, this is where I live, in that block over there. I’m the king of the estate, so everything has to go through me. You have my permission to proceed with your labour.’

‘How very fucking gracious of you, your honour.’

‘So, you’re a mobile mechanic specializing in council estate breakdowns, are you?’

‘I’ll work anywhere, mate, but I’m cheap, so yeah, I do get a lot of call-outs to places like this.’

‘By the look of your stretching and bending I’m not convinced that you are actually as mobile as you claim.’

‘It’s my lower back. It’s really playing up today. It’s all the bending over I have to do – plays havoc with the spine. The doctors have given me painkillers but they upset my guts big time, so I have to ration them.’

I was starting to like this bloke, but the devil got the better of me again.

‘Have you tried nettles?’ I asked.

‘What do you mean? Eating them?’

‘No, all you have to do is grab a handful, with a glove on of course, and then rub them on the affected area.’

‘Piss off. That will sting me right up. Do you think I’m stupid?’

‘That’s the whole idea. The pain receptors turn their attention away from your spine and concentrate on the pain from the nettle stings. You just have to decide which is worse: the nettle sting, which you soon get used to, or that terrible back pain that’s doing your nut in. I’ve done it loads of times and it’s used a lot in the armed forces, especially the Royal Navy.’

‘Nah, I don’t like the sound of it. I’ve never got along too well with nettle stings. Anyway, I’d better crack on. Thanks again for letting me park here, Your Royal Highness.’

‘No worries. There’s a clump of nettles over there by the garages if you change your mind.’