She turned to face the toaster again and I noticed her turn the timer control to add a few minutes to the toasting period. I could sense that she had a panic on. She had long, centre-parted dark brown hair and a reddish complexion that suggested she had been scrubbing her face with a coconut. She wasn’t my type, was my instant assessment. She was wearing beige jogging pants and a light blue sweatshirt with the words ‘HAPPY NOW’ printed on its front. She took a quick glance over her shoulder towards me and delivered an apologetic smile. I noticed she had bright red lipstick on her lips. It hadn’t been there ten minutes ago when we first collided. Her incisor teeth were very prominent and confident, perfect for eating any of the meats and useful for opening difficult packaging.

PING went the toaster and out popped two extra-thick slices of burnt toast. She quickly grabbed them, threw them in the sink and drenched them in cold water from the tap. She then scooped up the sodden slices and threw them in the bin. ‘Fucked it up again,’ she said. ‘Must be something wrong with the toaster.’

‘Yeah, must be,’ I replied.

‘They were my last two slices, so no toast for me. I’ll just have to eat some butter.’

‘I’ll do you a deal,’ I said. ‘You can have a couple of slices of my bread if you let me have some of your butter.’

‘Sounds good to me.’

‘You happy now?’ I said, pointing at her ‘HAPPY NOW’ top.

‘Oh yeah, right, LOL. LAFS even.’

‘What does LAFS stand for?’

‘Layla’s awful fucking sweatshirt.’

I more or less laughed.

‘I like your barn owl plates. Did your mum get you them?’ she asked.

‘No,’ I lied, not wanting to appear soft. ‘I’ve always loved owls. I love that rotating head thing and the fact that they wear fancy trousers despite leading an outdoor, hunting-focused lifestyle.’

‘Where did you get them?’

‘At a gift shop in a bird sanctuary in a rural area.’

‘Perfect place to buy some owl plates.’

‘Yeah, and a great place just generally on account of its ethos and its various stances.’

‘Did it have a café?’

‘Yeah, that’s where I first saw the barn owl crockery.’

‘Did they sell toast?’

‘Yes, and the coffee had a barn owl face fashioned into the froth.’

‘You do like your barn owls.’

‘Not as much as you love toast.’