‘Don’t get cutesy with me. Answer the question.’

‘I haven’t even thought about it. She’s well out of my league.’

‘Well, even Lassoo is out of your league but that doesn’t answer my question.’

‘Okay. I am very struck by her. There is a nice atmosphere around her and she has got me intrigued, so that would be my answer: I am intrigued by her.’

‘So you’ve thought about it a lot?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’ve never spoken to me about your love life. Have you ever had a girlfriend?’

‘I thought you were my girlfriend?’

‘Fuck off, Gary, answer the question.’

Girlfriends are a topic I am never that comfortable talking about. I know I’m not good-looking but I’m not a full-on spud. I would describe my face as forgettable (certainly many people seem to forget it), and I’m five foot seven and a half inches, which is just one and a half inches below the national average (I’ve looked this up on many occasions). When I walk into a room I don’t sense that people are thinking, Hey up, here comes half-pint or Danger! A shrimp that walks! Nothing like that. People only occasionally comment on my height, which I suppose means I’ve got away with it.

My big problem has always been having the confidence to make that first contact with a girl. As a teenager I had come to the conclusion that I would never meet a girl and it made me sad. I always reckoned that not having any sisters was the root of my problem. Females seemed like an alien race. By the time I went to university I don’t remember ever having talked to a girl other than during the course of some transaction or other. I attempted to explain this to Grace.

‘I just find it hard to meet girls and establish a connection. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends but the last one ended before I moved here to London.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied Grace. ‘Tell me how you met those two girlfriends if you’re so useless.’

For some reason, I think maybe it was the presence of Satsuma in my thoughts, I decided to open up and answer Grace’s question (with a significant spin in my favour).