‘Fucking hell, McCoy. I mean, what the fuck? Was that meant to be funny? Jesus, what’s the matter with you?’

And then it all goes hot banana apeshit.

From just beyond the play area, I hear two or three men bellow: ‘PUT THE GUN DOWN! PUT IT DOWN AND GET ON THE FLOOR!’

I turn my head to see Boiler Suit Man and two armed police officers running towards us.

‘PUT THE GUN DOWN AND GET ON THE FLOOR!’ they repeat.

McCoy tosses the gun away and slowly gets down on his knees. Peterson stands stock-still and simply places his hands up in the air. I turn over flat onto my stomach and force myself as far into the ground as I can. Lassoo runs over to the gun that is still churning out the ‘Happy Birthday’ tune and barks at it as if it is the key to his wildest dreams.

Boiler Suit Man kicks me on my side and tells me to get up. I pull myself off the floor as Peterson and McCoy are being handcuffed by the two armed officers. Peterson calmly declares: ‘I’m DI Peterson from the Lewisham Serious Crime Squad. This is an ongoing enquiry that you are placing in jeopardy.’

‘You’re not a police officer,’ announces Boiler Suit Man. ‘You’re a fucking disgrace, that’s what you are.’

One of the armed officers reads them both their rights. Peterson looks deflated but McCoy remains defiant as he addresses Boiler Suit Man. ‘You’ve screwed up here, son. This is going to cost you your job.’

I turn to Boiler Suit Man. ‘Ask him if that’s a remark,’ I suggest.

He seems amused by the idea. ‘Is that a remark, McCoy?’

‘No, it’s a promise,’ he replies.

A couple of marked police cars arrive in the side road and the armed officers lead Peterson and McCoy away from the play area towards them. I hold my hands out in front of me in the expectation of being handcuffed.

‘No need for that, Gary,’ says Boiler Suit Man. ‘I know we’ve met before, but I’ve never properly introduced myself. I’m DS Marks from the anti-corruption unit at Scotland Yard. We’ve been investigating Peterson’s squad and McCoy for months. The death of your mate Brendan has brought the whole thing to a head. To be honest, Gary, you have been very helpful to the inquiry. We are not going to arrest you, but we trust we can rely on your total co-operation with the investigation.’

‘Yes, of course,’ I reply.

‘Good lad, then tell me: where is the fucking dongle?’

‘Jesus, you lot as well. How do you know about it?’