“You sure about that? They say crazy runs in the family,” Becca said as she slipped on her T-shirt, her face burning with shame. She used to think those feelings would fade. Two years later, it was hovering right there on the surface. When she thought about what happened, Becca could see every action and reaction, all her decisions leading to that terrible day and the bottle of pills.

It was easy to blame it all on Robbie’s death. His death took everything from her, her sense of self, her understanding of how the world worked. After he died, she was forced to rebuild entirely, forced to reorient herself in the world. She threw herself into her career, then focused all her attention on being the best wife possible to Christian. She tried everything humanly possible to have a baby. When that didn’t happen, she took in Ash, convinced she could outrun the bad thoughts. She did everything she could to keep it together. Then Christian moved out and a few days later, Ash was busted with a bottle of Vicodin at school and the courts sent her to a mandatory treatment center.

Becca found herself all alone. No Robbie. No Christian. No Ash. She sat in her empty home, mentally tallying all the things that had gone wrong in her life. From a therapeutic standpoint this pity party was a definite no-no. Becca wasn’t thinking like a therapist. Not that day. She wasn’t thinking at all. Her sadness seemed to grow with each passing second until she did something so terribly stupid, downing a bottle of Ambien. As she drifted off
to sleep, she realized what she’d done. She tried to make herself vomit up the pills, but she was so tired, and that’s when she called Nina. That’s what mattered—that Becca asked for help. “I reached out to you. You know I didn’t really want to die,” Becca said.

“That’s what I told myself. That’s why I kept your secret. I also knew what was at stake. Your status with the department. Ash’s status living with you. I didn’t want to jeopardize everything you’d worked for. That was then. I’m telling you this now, if I think you’re putting yourself
in danger, I won’t be silent again. I love you too much to do that.”

Becca owed Nina so much. She understood what would have happened if the department found out. All the gossip and whispers, the sideways glances. She avoided the closed-door meetings with the administration. This job took its toll and there were some clinicians who suffered mental health breakdowns and were never allowed to come back.