KENNY: [motioning her back] No. Stay there. He’s an idiot. No tellin’ what he might do. You stay there.

There is a crash as the door is burst open by SIMMONDS, whose momentum carries him on past a rather surprised KENNY. ROSS follows close at SIMMONDS’ heel and practically comes face to face with KENNY and, despite his keenness, shows some embarrassment. The REMOVALIST follows ROSS, looking very nonchalant.

Hey. What’s all this about?

SIMMONDS: All right, Ross. Handcuff the bastard.

ROSS is obviously nervous and excited at what is his first taste of action. He clips the handcuffs on the bewildered KENNY, but, in his excitement, clips the other cuff to his own wrist.

[Loudly] Don’t cuff him to yourself, Ross.

ROSS fumbles with his free hand to find the key, but without success.

KENNY: [bewildered, angry] Hey. What’s all this about?

SIMMONDS: It’s about beating your wife, Carter.

KENNY: [looking at FIONA with surprise] Beating my wife? All I done was give her a bit of a shove. You can’t arrest a man for that. Never even hurt her.

ROSS: [to SIMMONDS] I think the key’s in me back pocket.

He sticks out his bum in SIMMONDS’ direction. SIMMONDS considers this manoeuvre as being below his dignity and turns to KATE.

SIMMONDS: I wonder if you’d mind getting the key out of Constable Ross’s back pocket, Mrs Mason.

KATE does so, looking at FIONA. They are both a little nonplussed. ROSS takes the key, undoes his handcuff, and handcuffs KENNY, who is still protesting, to a chair.

KENNY: Christ, I only gave her a shove. She tripped and fell against the cabinet herself. You can’t arrest a man for something she done herself. How would you like a kitchen full of stinking rubbish?

SIMMONDS: [loudly] Don’t cuff him to a chair, Ross.

ROSS: [defensively] He can’t get far with a chair.

SIMMONDS: [tersely] He can pick the bloody thing up and clobber you with it, bonebrain. Whack it on that table leg.

KENNY: Listen, fellas. A joke’s a joke. I won’t shove her again.

ROSS pulls KENNY down in order to cuff him to the leg of a coffee table. KENNY stands there awkwardly, with a bent back. Eventually he sits down.

Listen; fair go, fellas. What’s the charge?

SIMMONDS: Resisting arrest, and two separate charges of assault.

KENNY: [indignant] Resisting arrest?

SIMMONDS: You assaulted this gentleman here [indicating the REMOVALIST] then repeatedly refused to answer the door.

KENNY: [incredulous] Assaulted him? You ought to get your facts straight. He’s some kind of nut. If you’re looking for someone to arrest, then go him. Tried to con me out of five dollars. Mad as a bloody snake. I thought it was him at the door again.

SIMMONDS: I said, ‘Police here’, twice, and you chose to ignore it.

KENNY: I only heard the banging.

SIMMONDS: [to KATE] Did you hear it?

KATE: [flustered] We were in the kitchen, Sergeant.

KENNY: [to FIONA] You bitch! Go and dob me in because I gave you a bit of a shove. [To KATE] I bet you’ve got somethin’ to do with it, ferret features. What are you stickin’ your nose in for?