SIMMONDS: [kicking KENNY in the thigh] That’s enough of that kind of language, fella. [To ROSS] Book him for resisting arrest and using indecent language.

KENNY: What? Ferret features? That’s not indecent.

SIMMONDS: Book him, Ross.

KENNY: [outraged] Cut it out. You can’t walk into a man’s house and kick him.

SIMMONDS: Book him, Ross.

ROSS: [concentrating fiercely] I am placing you under arrest on charges of resisting arrest, two separate instances of assault, and using abusive, insulting and obscene language. I must warn you that anything you say may be taken into account and used against you. I would advise you, therefore, to follow me quietly to the station where you will be given the opportunity to seek legal advice.

KENNY: [to ROSS] All right. Take me to the station, you young berk. Take me. I’ll have your balls. The two of you. I’ll get Galbally and sue the arse off you.

ROSS: [highly excited] Don’t talk to me like that, fella. I’m warning you. I’m an officer of the law. Don’t talk to me like that. You come quietly, fella, I’m warning you.

He unlocks KENNY and is about to cart him off. KENNY is protesting volubly with such phrases as ‘Jesus’, ‘This is supposed to be a free country isn’t it’, ‘Why don’t you spend your time catching real criminals for a change and get the bloody crime rate down’. The dialogue is rather confused at this point, with lines overlapping and people talking at cross purposes.

SIMMONDS: Ross, you idiot. We haven’t finished here yet.

KENNY: [to KATE] You’ve worked this all up, haven’t you, you bloody tight-arsed, would-be socialite.

SIMMONDS: [loudly] Don’t cart him off yet, Ross. Cuff him to the door handle.

KENNY: [still talking to KATE] You—what in the hell entitles you to go round stickin’ your nose into other people’s affairs? And get that look off your face.

ROSS and SIMMONDS force him over to the door and handcuff him to it.

You may think it makes you look superior, but you can take it from me that you’re a dead ringer for a nun with a big one up her.

SIMMONDS punches KENNY in the gut for his blasphemy. KENNY doubles up, winded. FIONA looks alarmed.

FIONA: Please, Sergeant. There’s really no need—

SIMMONDS: I’m sorry, Mrs Carter, but I won’t tolerate that sort of thing. I won’t tolerate ladies being spoke to as if they’re sluts from the gutter.

FIONA: It doesn’t worry us, Sergeant. Really. We’re used to it.

SIMMONDS: I’m sorry, Mrs Carter. You must let me handle this is in my own way.

SIMMONDS: [to the REMOVALIST] Mrs Carter will tell you what to take. Give him a hand, Ross.

KENNY: [agitated] Hey. Just a minute. What’s this in aid of?

SIMMONDS: [tersely] Shut up, Carter.

KENNY: [to FIONA] What? Are you leaving? Just because I give you the occasional odd shove?

SIMMONDS: [louder] I’m warning you, Carter.

KENNY: Fair’s fair, Sergeant. That’s my furniture. I paid for it.